writing through our traumas

I do not always write in detail about my traumas although at certain times of year there can be a cascade of memories.. My melt down around Christmas made sense, only two family members got in touch and come to think of it I could have reached out but lately when I do its not always likely I will hear back..

I just read another very detailed post about someone in sobriety witnessing a loved one in medical trauma and it gave me goosebumps, reminding me of how sadly my own Mum subjected herself to a second knee replacement that got botched and how her health rapidly deteriorated over this.. I am not sure if it is connected by my second sister going under psychologically which started to occur from then on too.. At this time I was going from hospital to the psyche ward and while she was still alive over to the care home to visit my older sister who passed in April 2014.

I well remember my second sister and Mum having an almighty row after we both moved back here in 2011 having had failed marriages.. My sister was accused of ‘being on high’ by Mum and this was the second sister to have this accusation thrown at her. At the time my second sister was actually over at the care home visiting my disabled sister and Sue being Sue she bought home all of Judiths knitwear that had pilling and was trying to wash it and get it clean.. Mum was angry because she was late for dinner and didn’t call her to let her know and my sis got the shits and said to her “well why didn’t you call me” there was then a bigger row that ended with my sister storming out..

Anyway a friend said to me yesterday maybe my living sister collapsed after trying to be kind, help and caretake too much and as I look back I see this is true. I think it also put her through stress when I was struggling in a way and that led to arguments between us that seem silly now..

I think of my sister all of the time lately.. I think of what a good person she really is even if she was brusque and mean at times.. I think of her own life as an older sibling being so different to mine..

It did hurt me in 2006 when I went up to visit her though and she yelled at me “you’ve had a shit of a life, I pity you” at the time it cut me so deep it was so cold and detached and hard nosed. For f’s sake I had so much trauma and then when I collapsed at the coast house she barraged me and then made Mum choose between us.

I am choosing to see the funny side of this now.. I have had my anger in therapy over it all as well as her and her sons packing up all my things at the house Mum left and putting them in the store room at a time I found that too much with my own issues.. I have screamed and yelled and cursed and cussed to the point the other therapist in the shared rooms where Kat pratices from have said to her “was someone being murdered in there?” Yes my soul guys… I was fighting for my soul..

At that same time of conflict I was told by my sister

“you were always such a naughty girl throwing tantrums” well as Kat says to me my Mum was not there and the necessary love support holding and attention I needed was then not forthcoming.. to be shamed for that hurts.. to be smeared behind by back hurt too in 2014 and have lies told about me to my nephews, that hurt, a lot! For her then to lie about it hurt too.

At the moment for the sake of sanity and my mental and emotional health I am choosing to see the funny side of this.. Today I can live in freedom from pain of the past I faced. I do not need to carry shame.. I can recognize we all struggled in the family and sometimes the lack of empathy was a curse and yet we all had, in the end, to find a way to dig deep to find that.

Maybe with my North Node in Leo I had to find my lion’s roar and maybe I also had to be demonized for it at times .. Come to think of it, a lion put in a cage with a splinter in its paws does roar.. and it needs time to heal and lots of open pastures. I am now determined to give this to me.. To nourish my soul, to indulge my creativity (today by planting up and moving around the ornaments in my garden and making a yummy lunch while listening to one of my favorite Diana Krall tracks shared below.

Writing out our traumas in order to reach clarity really does help.. Telling our stories really does help. And I am very grateful to those who do it and in doing so give me an example while helping me to see how un alone I really am as a human being with every single loss and challenge I face and all the struggles I have. There is no shame in struggling that is the way we grow and learn and hopefully emerge into a more complete whole and rounded version of ourselves.