Unearned guilt

Why do I struggle so much with unnecessary guilt? This is what I am asking myself at the moment The self blame and self rejection must be at the root of why we struggle so much at times and a chat with a good friend today made me realize its all about getting confused about what we do and do not have power over and also feeling that in some way, perhaps due to empathy we want to help others who are hurting but if we are not standing on strong or solid ground or a good internal nourished foundation how can we do that without getting ill?

I also wonder if it is a result of being the youngest child in a family system riven with issues and loads of emotional neglect. After all today on my walk I was crying my eyes out at how much I have fantasy that some day I will be able to reunite my fractured family.. It truly is a fantasy and it is best that I face it and the grief associated with the necessary dissolving of this deeply embeded illusion or ‘Jesus’ complex. The fact this is just the fantasy wish of a young child not the rational reasonable knowing of a fully formed adult.

Maybe these things take time (being restored in my thinking to sanity), Maybe I have put myself in a rescuer role for too long but it has to stop.. Boundaries need to be put in place as last night I woke to hear a wild possum and it was clinging to the wall inside after trying to attack Jasper. Thankfully I woke up and scared it enough that it ran outside.. I keep the back doo ajar as it is a safe area and so Jasper can come in and go out freely but this made me not only so scared but also realize it was a boundary issue too.

How often do I let in wild people that have no scruples and will ask me for money made promises only to never return a cent?. Three times now.. It just cannot go on.. If I do not lock the door on certain fantasies I am going to be taken down. I am not a powerful person in many ways, I have deficits and weaknesses and this I have to admit the only power I have at the moment is the power of self care and to be honest i am struggling even with that today.. But all of this unearned guilt, it needs to stop.