I came clean : at a time of deep confusion and pain

I was having suicidal thoughts again yesterday and these went as far as checking out my car exhaust as to how I could attach a hose to it. Luckily after crying I decided this was not a good idea I had managed to eat breakfast (just) and I got out in the car but could not breathe so had to stop and run around the block a few times I then went to the park to commune with the trees and have a big swing on the swing st there..

When I got home I had to call LifeLine crisis support the stuff going through my head about trying to help my sister, feeling helpless, our past conflicts was all too much as well as a huge burst of guilt I cannot fix this, and I did not have the first step under my belt at all at that point so I used Life ine again.. This break of therapy is too much for me and I am angry I was left and did not fight for some other kind of holding that said there are resources available to me and maybe this encouraged me to use my own muscles and will to find them and not remain trapped in the role of helpless infant..

My trauma cascade/anxiety cascade symptoms got so bad after the call I decided to come clean and write a post on Facebook about the truth of what I am struggling with and this outleashed an avalanche of support, almost too much in a way.. Debriefing about it all with a friend earlier today after a sunny walk with Jasper by the lake it made me realize thoughts of suicide when shared either fill others with fear, remind them of those they know who attempted it or were successful or may stir up thoughts that they, too, struggle with these kinds of thoughts and feelings in silence..

I noticed a difference between those who felt overpowered by it and those who were calmer encouraging me and also reminding me its not a sin to still be grieving for my father and my other sister and mother and other family issues 36 years out from that first painful loss of Dad on 8 January 1985. Today another friend shared with me that she still cannot put up her Christmas tree and celebrate it as she lost her father around this time in 2008 and still feels that pain..

I also received this lovely comment from my dear friend Christina who I met at Shekinashram when that family threw me out of my lodgings back in 2005 in Cambridge shortly after I had the head injury. This affirmed me just so much.

Dearest Deborah, what a time you’ve had…bless your beautiful heart. As Clare said, crying is so important and it’s great you’ve been able to allow yourself to feel and let go…as you say, the true strength lies in being vulnerable and I know that’s a Truth.

It’s irrelevant whether or not others have pain, it’s not a competition as to who can be the strongest or whatever, what matters for you at this moment is simp,y your own pain and how to best get through. We all feel pain and it’s ok to talk about our own and not feel we can’t because we’re lucky enough to have food, or a roof over our head etc.

The more you feel the better you’ll feel 

I send you so much love Deborah, from this green and rainy land…am thinking of us sitting by the window in the Shekinashram exchanging our stories. It was such a gift to meet you at that time. Bless you always… Om Namah Shivaya 

As you may imagine I cried buckets after receiving that message as it was at Shekinashram I was often held in love after my 5 Rhythms Dance classes on the evening after my ex husband visited and told me he was with someone new and our last chance of working on things and him supporting me in my grief journey/addiction recovery was done. It was there I met so many other residents with so many grief or abuse or mental health issues all struggling to embrace life.

I felt shame at times after this. Of course the inner critic came up telling me I was ‘attention seeking’ and self centered but to be honest it was terrifying to share this and risk others lecturing me which no one did but two came close, that is okay. I understand. Talk of pain is scary but in the end I do feel it was far far better to be honest and to come clean.

Today it was hard to eat again but I called my friend and had a good walk with Jasper even if I did cry for a lot of the first part of it.. This grief is there it is not the whole of me but it is there and I do feel it was important to speak out about it, especially when my own sister’s grief and agency seems to have been stolen in so many ways.. or she has not been able to find that power of expression, it is not only me I do this for.