Having to contain a dark truth

I had to put a call through to my therapist this morning, yesterday evening was hell after trying to absorb this idea that my parents where too exhausted to really love me and also due to their own wounds. I had also put through a call to an old AA friend the day before, it took about 3 attempts to connect and when we finally did last night she spoke for one hour and 44 minutes mostly about herself with the odd question here and there. After telling me she likes solitude she said she feels I have been isolating, that hit me a bit hard, after all I have at times but when I spoke to Kat an hour ago she said I am actually in connection with a lot of people now.. My friend also put down my blog as not face to face and so not capable of giving me what I need in terms of true intimacy, coming out of it I felt angry and devalued to be honest but not until the middle of the night while another part turned against myself again and told me I have obviously been on the wrong path all of these years pursuing therapy which I actually do not really believe to be true but still I can end up doubting…

I dive so deep within myself and into the collective, my friend lives a different life with her sober partner, more engaged in life, I can come away again feeling like a ‘mistake’ and possibly its this lead up to Christmas and anniversaries that triggers me into the dark and stony landscape I am finding myself in at the moment. And as I write this an inner voice is saying ‘don’t forget about Pluto at the moment’. Often Pluto shows us painful things, things that were so far outside of our own control (like my own parent’s emotional distance) and things that take deep work to live with in a spiritual grounded way.. Things that often summon up depression or resentment or other painful feelings.

Kat encouraged me to get grounded in something positive today but I had a major spin out for an hour after the call as I must have only managed about 4 hours sleep last night.. earlier I was outside getting the soles of my feet on grass to just bring the charge down again but we ended up having a huge storm when my spin attack played out, in a way I see this bodily stuff as me trying to find my own balance, point of view and stand point, all too often that can tend to get obliterated by others and their opinions or judgments.

Really its not always easy to connect from the heart to people.. When such connections come they are to be valued.

Apart from this there is a lost lonely feeling around me at the moment… I just feel all the sadness too of my exhausted parents who just work, work, worked.. All of my siblings end up isolated though my brother is far more engaged with family than any of his sisters. But I know my niece suffered at times from his emotional unavailability..

Better to own this stuff that try to silence it with medications or denial.. Sometimes we have to look the painful truth in the face and struggle our best not to be turned to stone line Medusa in the process. My body hurts today.. My chest is very very tender and sore this grief is a heavy thing to carry at times.. and today I am really desperate to see the Sun which is hiding behind heavy clouds.

Later I asked myself what would make me come back to life, it was a bath, during it, I realised I am tired and so I need to take extra good care of myself right now.