Truer deeper feelings

Possibly my truer deeper feelings are more accessible now. I did not have all of that body spasming and jerking after my bath today, even though at 2 pm I have to see the dentist, something I have been putting off for a while now and can always be triggering.

I managed to eat and sit in the sun and then to digest my breakfast with no attack for the first time in years. I did some tidying up outside, the Sun is shining today and Jasper was with me so it was lovely and peaceful, I did a bit of housework then and a gentle vacuum, that old fury that sometimes accompanied cleaning and that my mother carried and passed onto me seems spent now. And a moment ago as some grief rose up along with that growing serenity I feel when I can talk myself gently through pain over the things I cannot change, I heard my inner guidance telling me to read the reading for April 17 in Hope for Today which was about longing for love from unavailable parents and learning how to give that and accept them in their limits. However on the page before that I read this reading and it seems appropriate for all of this tough work I have been doing in therapy and journaling and in my blog to sort out and feel my feelings, even the really painful challenging ones like rage.. So today I am sharing it.

Growing up around drinking, I developed an overall confusion about my feelings. My father drank, cried and raged. My mother didn’t seem to feel much of anything. She rarely cried, and I didn’t remember her being very affectionate. Given this childhood environment, how does anyone, particularly a man, learn how to deal with emotions? I dealt with them by hiding, denying, and stuffing them down deep. Then they would come out in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times.

As I started to work the steps and found through the literature and other’s sharing that living without feelings was cheating myself of a full life. I learned that happiness was as much a part of life, as sorrow and that denying pain only stunted joy. I started to let my feelings out, and did that ever hurt at first, It was as though I had placed a lifetime of feelings in unlabeled cans on a shelf, and I didn’t know what I was going to get when I opened them. With the aid of the tools, my sponsor and some professional help, I was finally able to to find healthy ways to express my emotions. I now believe my greatest recovery gift has been the healing I began when I recognized the trauma of denying my feelings.

Thought for the Day

We humans are a package deal. When I shy away from pain and sorrow. I risk shutting out joy and happiness.

I recover from the inside out. I don’t have to hide behind a mask anymore because everyone can see right through me anyway.. After playing ‘The Great Cover-up’ for so long, it feels good to let the real me out.

Alateen. a day at at time p. 305