High anxiety? Hi level fear? Or just trying to break free to be real?

Conflict is never easy for people pleasers.. I still find it hard to find the appropriate way to respond when it seems someone is invalidating me and then they try to reframe it that my reaction came out of ‘jumping to conclusions’. I know the importance of non violent communication but sometimes when I get so triggered I just want to tell someone to ‘fuck off’. This happened yesterday, I replied then had to change it as I did not want to be rude but to be honest what this guy said made me see red, in response to a poem I wrote about still trying to come to terms with processing that last relationship that spanned the years 2007 to 2011 and was so full of abuse from my ex who was an unrecovered child of a violent alcoholic father.

I own my part, but sometimes I over own my part.. It is what us ‘fawn’ types so often too.. And today I am more aware of the level of fear of threat I carried ever since I was a young child in response to what my own mother carried from her side of the lineage.. There was addiction there, there was loss, there was physical abuse, there was isolation and distancing, there was running away to other places all on the back of griefs such as mother loss and its interesting as Friday’s eclipse hit by square my natal Uranus in the first which tends to make me combustible and to try to get the hell away when I dont get taken under or down by fight types like my ex partner.

To be honest when I met him there were warning signs he would leave me carrying a load of his emotional shadow when on the back of telling me I was ‘too vulnerable’ he shared how he could not get an erection with his wife, he then claimed she was a closet lesbian, something her next partner assured me was a lie Phil told shortly after we broke up and Ray became worried of how Phil was hurting me and his youngest son to boot..

There is still a lot of repressed anger there and I was trying to get it out in that poem Trying? I wrote yesterday, .see the hardest thing of being abused and not being able to protest is becoming accident prone and I had to point out to this guy who commented almost shouting “let it go, for God’s sake, seriously, just let it go?” What the fuck.. I am in process mate back the fuck off.. but no that seemed rude so in the end I settled for calling him a self righteous twat and for some reason the comment is there in my comments folder and I cannot get it to show on the post..something he later pointed out.

Anyway I woke at about 2 am with a start when I energetically felt his reply.. and I fought my side.. to be honest I am hell way vulnerable right now.. This time of year is tough but at least I am feeling it and kudos to me I was even able to say no to that second cup of coffee yesterday afternoon and the unleashed a water shed of tears that my darling pupster Jasper just witnessed soulfully with his beautiful black pearl eyes was then able to pour out.. its good to feel this pain it truly if and I can do what other writers do.. use a poem to process it.. because God knows humans are so often just not going to get the depth of it at all… Thank God for animals they out trump plenty of humans on the empathy stakes.. So much for us being more evolved!

Anyway I was so triggered after this I called my therapist yesterday afternoon and luckily prior to this a good friend had been messaging me and I was able to express some of it to him, I adore my blogger pal who is such a special part of my life.. And on that note this morning when I prayed for guidance from higher power and the angels I was told to read two readings in my recovery meditation books which really helped me make sense of the truth that its okay not to like what he did and its natural to feel fear of threat around being shut down.

The first reading I will close out the post with, the second on boundaries, fear and misperception due to trauma and adult child issues I will share later after Jasper and I go for a good long walk.

The energy of fear contains a lot of life and it can be scary to confront people at times.. I do think he had a point about our need to get into the present moment at times when trauma calls but I do not think being told to let something go is helpful at all, after all my experience is that the trauma in time eventually loosens its charge once it can be externalized enough and validated.. after we get the boundary violation lesson and not before, so in some subtle way being told that by someone outside of you is really a boundary violation and it also causes pain because in some way it invalidates the depth of what happened.

Staying with Myself

Today I see that having my own life begins inside of me. It is not just a function of what I do, but the attitude with which I move through my day. Having my own life is about checking in with myself to see how I am doing. It’s wearing a sweater if I am cold and taking a break if I am tired. It’s making sure that I am having enough fun in my life, paying attention to what I enjoy doing and doing more of that and finding ways to reduce what doesn’t feel good. Having a life is letting myself have my own likes and dislikes and acting on then in constructive ways. It is not organizing my life so that it is good enough for everyone else, forgetting that it needs to be good enough for me.

I am with myself on the inside

Every true man, sir… lives so as to give a value and a meaning to his own life.

Luigi Pirandello

Extract taken from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton.