Soo sensitive : getting Jasper groomed is such a huge trigger!

I just had the most intense reaction to having Jasper groomed, he was shorn right down and I know he needed it, what with lock down and him rolling around in wild places and me not keeping on top of it the groomer had to take him right down nearly to his flesh but when she left it was like whirlwind in my body, I felt shock, and the most terrible, terrible grief, I literally cried for about half an hour..

It was not only Jasper triggering me, in the garden, things have gone wild, I am not keeping up with pruning and the rain has made things blow out, which is lovely in one way but in another gets me into the most overwhelming panic and then I get this overwhelming sense that I have been just running lately, over doing it, not relaxing when it would be better to relax and not really being with how this time of year feels.. When the groomer came in she spoke of how sensitive Jasper is, as if it was some kind of flaw, maybe she didn’t mean it like that but I just felt like saying to her “I bet we are all born sensitive until we get it brutalized out of us!” but I held back, who knows. But sometimes in this culture you get the feeling it would be more acceptable to others if you were numb, immune to pain or robotic.

There must just be a huge amount of grief around for me and in me right now. I cannot intellecualize about it, when these kind of emotional storms or torrents begin I just have to let them work their way out. Maybe a reality that we always there and underlying is only lately being revealed to me.. I just think of the state I was in when I finally came back to my home town in June 2011 after those 6 months trying to tough it out in Sydney where I did not feel at home, after my Mum and I fought during the Christmas after Phil and I broke up which triggered so much earlier loss she did not see to want to acknowledge and was curt and mean to me about…..Another case of my reaction becoming a bloody minded response that saw me driving all night to Sydney and then sleeping in the car only to wind up on my Godmother’s doorstep.. I can only think now that huge underground feelings drove that ‘flight’ and made me dig my heels in.. after some time in a boarding house after my Godmother asked me to leave I ended up sharing with another guy who was abusive to me and then I just came back home because it was not working for me at all in Sydney.. in many ways I was in such limbo and needed good therapy which it took me another 5 years to find.. before coming down with breast cancer in early 2016.

There is a hell of a lot I have been through, there is no glossing over it.. this big emotional reaction seems par for the course with so much in Scorpio right now.. To add insult to injury Jasper is so pissed off with me about the groomer he won’t even look me in the eyes which really tore my heart apart a moment ago. Oh here he comes he must have sensed me writing about him!

God knows its not easy being a parent, the groomer said she wanted to make it easier for me and less stressful to groom him, but its him I care about, how he feels about it.. That said he needed those paws trimmed and the built up bits from nature removed. His hair will grow back. God knows its not a major disaster but the intensity of my reaction that is what really spun me out.. sometimes the idea of him being groomed does not fit with the reality.. anyways its done now….and peace is restored.. I just want to be taking it slowly and quietly this weekend, things around me have just felt to be moving too fast lately, I really need to relax at the moment and stop stressing.. And as always it helps to write it out. Sometimes my own reactions seem just so over the top but on another level I am sure this may also be triggering old pain over the time Mum had my long golden hair shorn off to make it easier for her.. Who knows? In the end its not much fun being overpowered, even if we are told and it may even be ‘for our own good.’