Tears shed for you

I cry a lot for my Mum in therapy lately after all as her youngest I carried a lot of her past and pain, luckily in later years after I was sober even if she could not validate me I could learn more about and feel into the true consequences of her young life with Nana after her Dad died. I could hear about the cruelty of the nuns, about her own Mum’s absence due to financial struggles and about her ‘playing hookie’ around the shops near their home on those unsupervised afternoons she was so alone.

One important thing I learned was about the one time she was touched with care, she would go to the pharmacist to have her ears syringed out. That always made me feel sad for her, that and her having to keep herself warm at night with a stone wrapped in a towel made warm by the fireplace as Nana,was out cleaning offices so they could eat, the bloody government gave them no war pension even as a war widowed single family.💔 Immigration had taken them far from containment too due to my Great Grear Grandfathers grief. He ran, just like I did, but then I also know it was a quest for survival for him too, my father also decided to emigrate to Australia following the end of the second World War as he found Holland too confined and saw this country as a land of opportunity, which it was.

Right now I’m in deep grieving for the way her neglect affected us both, (as well as my two sisters) feeling all of the pain from my body and True Self over neglect is important work and no longer requires outside validation and makes sense of why I screamed at the doctors for over medicating my living sister. To think she was shocked again FOR A THIRD TIME while supposedly in her doctor’s care burns me on every level with the deepest fire of rage. Maybe I should have fought more for her at the time but I heard voices talking me down at the time and felt genuinely terrified.

I also look at how much collectively we think we need at times that comes out of an inner deprivation it seems at times impossible to bear or provide witness to. But if Venus in Capricorn will show us anything as it opposes the critical degrees of that Pluto in the opposing sign of Cancer generation and their descendants it will be about this widespread mothering hunger that so often fuels our rampant materialism from with in and the ways that we do not stay in harmony with natural laws of organic balance. Not that we should not venerate embodied matter but that we should not value over consumption as a defense in running from and containing inner wounds..

Kat said today that she feels my Mum was dissociated alot of the time in my childhood, it makes sense of why she would have abandoned and left me as uncontained and unheld as she did. And her fury speaks of a buried sadness and rage over it all and makes sense of why she denied my elder sister in the home so much. We were told Judy was ‘on a high’ if she wanted things like furnishings for her room in the care home. A foot spa or jewelry (the carers in the home she resided in stole most of her valuable pieces over the years – something her mini van/ taxi driver who serviced the care facility pointed out in the final year of her life.) Mum did the same to my living sister who in the end got so berated she ended up with only a few items of well fitting clothes she liked (this was after my Mum died though for as long as she was alive and my sister was in psychiatric care Mum was always trying to find things for her that would be rejected as not good enough, that was hard for Mum and after she died I had to stop trying to please this sister because often my choices just did not suit her, and she was not empowered enough at times to make her own choices.) In this past few years it seemed to me as if her sense of power, agency and was choice totally decimated by killing forces internalised.

Anyway as John Bradshaw points out wounded families such as ours live in trances of the wounded generational child’s passed down trauma, carrying old burdens never brought fully to light until we fall as the systems crash or their patterns do. So it is that the ones who end up displaying most overtly the emotional physical and mental damage are seen as defective while those systems that give rise to them are not challenged and yet they need to be.

Today I count the value of each tear drop shed for my family. I thank God for nearly 28 years of unbroken sobriety even as I feel all of that damage in my body from past deprivational injuries making their buried truth felt after a very deep massage last night. I said to Kat earlier today in therapy that I sense my body IS the child…. it carries the generational embodied emotional truth in chakras, organs and tissues. It will not be lied to even as we try to silence it. It is a wild and beautiful primal animal containing a spirit that longs to rise and fly free of past pain, grief and trauma but that only happens WITH THE FEELING OF IT, THE VOCALISING AND EXPRESSING. So it is as I sit here finishing lunch I try to speak about what I carried, what my Mum carried, what so many others carried buried under a cover of silence. Reminding everyone who suffers of the healing, informative and educative power of our tears. Jesus wept as the embodied incarnation of what we must express coming out of the passing collective Piscean age which saw so much damage in families who were struggling to survive, especially coming out of a deep depression and two world wars.