Moments of connection : today’s update

We had some lovely moments today on our walk to Manuka. We managed a decent long stroll then went to get a coffee at the icecreamery which is a great place to sit on a Sunday morning with kids on bikes and their parents, passing dogs and even a lovely older couple who sat peacefully enjoying their ice creams and gave Jasper and I a smile. There are chairs and some lovely leafy trees to sit under so it was a good time to connect in deeply and to feel a part of things, which is important when you live alone and end up spending so much time alone. While sitting there I did a gratitude practice and that felt really uplifting.

There are some beautiful leafy streets around that older part of town, sometimes such a long walk is triggering for me with my head injury and PTSD in fact earlier we were listening to a program on the impact of concussions on footballers.. Having a head injury is not at all easy since your gut is also permanently affected due to the intricate connection between the brain and the gut, eating can be painful and with the loss of more teeth and fear of dental work it can be a lot to manage, so its good to get my focus at times off of the pain.

Jasper and I had a bit of a moment before. The neighbouring family have put a swing on to one of the trees that line our little street and while I was eating my lunch I looked out to see the youngest daughter swinging on it. Its funny where your thoughts go but I had the vision of a swing hanging off a willow tree which bought to mind the tree at the bottom of my mother in laws garden in Cambridge.. Jonathan and I ended up staying with her when we first moved there in 1999 before finding a sweet terrace house to reat in Newnham.. It was a special new time in our lives and I am grateful for it and was broken hearted to leave to come back here in 2001. We later had the opportunity to buy her place but we decided against it. Anyway in the midst of that reverie suddenly I heard barking and looked out the window to see Jasper standing in front of the little girl barking, I rushed out as sometimes he scares children and low and behold all I could see was the empty swing, swinging.. it really triggered me, I know often his barking is only a form of talking for him but when it scares people away I felt sad.. The sight of that little girl swinging in the tree while I had lunch today was so special and precious to me..

I am so thankful for my life, for my sobriety, for my happiness, for my peace..I am grateful for it all. The sun is out today and despite the fact I gave Jasper a telling off things are peaceful. Walking and getting out into the world really uplifts me, its a good way to start my day and is a powerful antidote for all of my isolation.. I got a bit triggered yesterday reading a post of someone who followed me for a long time saying she had been diagnosed with ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, we identified with each other very much so it made me wonder if I was ‘on the spectrum’ then at times I find that sort of thing problematic. To love your peace and quiet, to feel more calm in nature, to struggle with difficult, unkind or obnoxious peoples surely is not a ‘disorder’. Anyway I will discuss my feelings in therapy with Kat tomorrow. The most important thing in life is that we know who we are and are comfortable with that.. We are each wired the way we are for a reason and to love our solitude and find a lot of hardness and noise difficult to cope with does not seem to me to be a sign of a ‘disorder’ just of a more highly sensitive way of being.