Feeling things in our body : the fear of being our real selves

True feeling just rises up like a tide. It may be prompted by a trigger or a recollection, yesterday in therapy it was sadness over the absence of a loving masculine figure.. Watching the second video on calibration that Lee Harris provided on the weekend as a follow up to the first channeling on Thursday from my Initiation course brought up a well of sadness I also touched base with then I met my last partner Phil. Lee has such a warm feminine loving male energy and he has walked a difficult path to find and connect with his true self and also to honor his intuitive pathway of connecting to higher guidance. As a young one Lee had struggles with his weight due both to overeating sweets and also down to having no place to express emotions as a sensitive young man and with his sexuality, he has known the pain of narcissistic relationships so this connection with him means so much to me and I was crying about it in therapy yesterday as I realise my own brother who stays so distant probably had some of his softness brutalized out of him when young..So he cannot connect to us much emotionally and at times I have got very angry with him and that just made him feel I was crazy and needed to be distanced from.. I was just crying about this so deeply in therapy yesterday with Kat. I well remember when my ex partner and I first hugged it brought up the pain of my brother hugging me in a very strange way after my first breakdown/through where I ran off OS and wrote to him about all my trauma.. He ignored the letter and from that time encouraged his daughter to keep distant from me.. It caused me so much pain.

Sad that when men get shamed in their feelings it makes it harder for us to connect to them and a valued follower just reached out in a comment to say that her own father preferred her to be a different version of herself and that she is now finding out who she really is but that the consequence of that is bringing up a lot of fear.. Fear of the authentic self. I do not think she is alone in this, after all George Michael expressed some of that too in the interview with Michael Parkinson from 23 years ago discussing why he sought fame and found it hard to be honest about his sexuality in the talk I watched yesterday. Astrid’s comment also bought to mind what therapist James Masterton writes about the anxiety and fear of death we must face when we challenge deeply encoded expectations or projections of non nurturant or invalidating parents. He speaks a lot about that anxiety of emergence in his book The Search For The Real Self.

I am familiar with that fear, the feeling that being and becoming my full self may be a kind of threat to others, so as a child I became a watcher.. And it was interesting because yesterday after therapy I went into town and I just sat watching all of the people walking past and I was drawn to their face and eyes, in fact it was only a young girl that even sensed me watching, who turned to look me in the eyes and we both smiled.. It just seemed sad to me that others seemed to be in a kind of autopilot state of walking around yesterday and some eyes seemed to hold such feelings of fear darting all over the place in scanning movements above their masks.

Lately I am learning it may be okay to expand into my true self. That I can find loving communities and people where that Self and its expression will be okay, not that I need other’s approval but that its good to be able to connect heart to heart and soul to soul with others not so invested in putting up walls, distancing or judging you.

My body went through huge surges yesterday. and waking up this morning almost like my soul was anchoring in more deeply and rising like a huge wave.. . It was a big drive there to the room of Kat after 3 months in lock down.. I went into town ate and then came home and had more big swings and them my friend contacted me to let me know her brother’s funeral is on tomorrow but when I told her I am not vaccinated she asked me not to come.. at risk of infecting others.. its fair enough but it also hurt in a way.. That said I felt okay about it.. I do not think going was meant to be and I have not met Michael even if I so strong identified with him as a similar scapegoat in the family that I had to be a bit direct with my friend about the way she judged him for his addiction only later to find he had been carrying so much in silence..

For me its not a culture I gel with.. I feel set apart for a reason as I well know that so many of us who end up on the margins or with addictions are actually carrying s much multi-generationally at the same time as needing to be light bearers by divesting ourselves of that. Michael did not manage that but he held the light of love in his heart right up to the end, even in the midst of all of his suffering. .. He maintained a loving stance but in the end he passed over.. There is a big fight that has to happen sometimes and lot of people out there may shame us for it, for daring to emerge fully into our own hidden light, power, full emotion and spirit. .. god knows carrying so much from the collective shadow is no picnic at all, keeping our truth silent and our true self hidden in the end can be a very dangerous thing.