The pain over what happened to me

The pain over my past and what happened to me due to emotional neglect and carrried trauma has been searing today.. I had to keep doing phone therapy as I am not allowed back into the therapist rooms due to not being vaccinated.. That decision is a pro life one due to my own compromised immune health.. Kat did offer to meet me in a park close by but it felt too much today, so we did the session by phone after I drove to my favorite place by the lake.

Reading the letter I wrote to my Dad about all the hurt he caused me made me cry deeply in places.. Kat says I need the rage. so often those of us not allowed to know what happened to us end up ‘forgiving’ too soon or excusing the parent’s damage and then we continue to internalize the ‘bad’ or shame bound self and do not pass that back.

I listened to an installment of Lee Harris’s course on recovering from narcissistic relationships yesterday where he shared about his own journey out. How he cried for 6 months. I know that crying. It is for the abandoned child we learned to turn away from and then get attracted to ‘fix’ in others, a project that is bound to fail. He said we can only recover as we share what happened to us over the course of those kind of relationships and relate them back to our earlier wounding and damage.. So true.

Scott has been making me into his ‘savior’ for so long now, it was a very common hook.. I do all I can to help but when it comes down to not caring for myself first that is when the ‘help’ has to stop. God knows it takes time to turn around this pattern and also to stop shaming and blaming ourselves for what we could not get in childhood that then left us so vulnerable to other wounding relationships. But as adults now we can make a new choice.. A choice for us, for self love, for seeking sanity, serenity, inner security, peace and balance. We can reach within to heal and to the loving higher parent as well.. some call this God or Goddess too, that force is always there for us. it never lets us down, so apart from therapy that is where I am learning to turn now as I try to embrace the anger and rage that will finally free me from other unhealthy psychological enmeshments.