Trusting myself : releasing my rage

I shed tears listening to Lee Harris’s October energy update this morning where he spoke of how sensitives struggle but that right now many of us are emerging from our chrysalis.

Last night after two days of facing all that pain over my Dad and the dark wilderness years of Pluto in the early 80s so much came up about other painful relationships with the men I then attracted. My military house mates were lovely to me in those years adopting me, trying to get me to see I was over working. I was doing full time during the day and 3 nights a weekend and Friday at the theatre restaurant to save for a trip overseas but it was the old work till you drop or collapse emotional family neglect pattern I had been inculcated with and then the drinking from after work on Fridays and Saturdays til the early hours. Such a rough lifestyle

The first two terminations of 1983 and 4 were a secret, Dad was getting sicker (did he some how know deep inside) he didn’t like Jim my boyfriend after all he drove off on me leaving me with no money 1200 miles from home when I fell pregnant the first time though we did not yet know.

There were strong echoes of Jim’s personality in my last partner too. I haven’t visited his Facebook page for a few years now and my head hurt doing it last night. He was so tough on me, and his youngest son but knowing the severe alcoholism in his background along with abuse and emotional neglect it makes sense. We both had damage but at that stage I was at least sober for 13 years even if I had no clue of the narcissistic wounding that underlay that symptom. I am sure we were attracted at thst time for a very good reason.

Rereading Anne Wilson Schaefs book When Society Becomes An Addict is enlightening. On a plane ride to a conference she meets a man who is a therapist who tells her in every case of depression he treats he finds alcoholism or addiction in the person’s family background. Makes sense.

Wilson Schaef out lines symptoms of the Addictive White Male system in that book contrasting it with the Emerging Feminine Living In Process system. It makes so much sense all that she writes about the Medical Model shutting down feeling and that many therapists also can’t bear a person’s deep process work..not being comfortable with anger and rage.

I thank God I’ve been able to scream that out lately. To finally get it out of my body… my teeth are nearly shot due to me sucking it back in over the past 16 years. I don’t have to hurt anyone innocent with it but that lion’s roar needs a voice. And I truly thank those here who support me in this process. I owe you a big thank you for that and a debt of gratitude.