The link between fear, shame and our need to control : some thoughts

The talks and teachings of Alain de Botton and the School of Life in reminding us of the role fear may play in turning us into ‘monsters’ make a lot of sense.. I just came across these words :

I’ve lived in fear most of my life. The more scared I became the more I tried to control. Fear reared its ugly head in the belief that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough, to have joyful, trusting, and intimate relationships. Instead of allowing myself to connect with others, I would often avoid them. … (often) my choice to isolate hinders me from the opportunity to build healthy relationships. .. new ways of relating to the world (happen) as I let go of my fear.

Fear in making us control may also hinder us in other ways.. Even our anger at times may come out of a fear and then make us react in ways that drive love away, but sadly others may not see the fear or pain and anger over past experiences that underlies that difficult behavior. Often these feelings have a base in earlier relationships where what we needed was not seen or attuned too.. That pain may then be enacted in other relationships, I am thinking about this especially in relation to a child parent relationship. The parent sees things in the child that they may not have been able to live (a part of their shadow) and then shame the child, but the roots of the ‘hot potato’ of fear and shame lie much further back..

So we must explore the places where we feel fear or shame and explore the ways we may try to control that which is not ever meant to be under our control. And the ways in which we adapt through fear and in so doing lose access to the truth of who we are.. This is not an easy journey for many of us with narcissistic wounding but our fear and shame or attempts to control when honestly faced and their roots understood will help us on the journey.