Living under a dark star

I started this yesterday. posted it then took it down.. I re-edited it today.

The Saturn influence in a life can lend a depression, or a sense of restriction or a heaviness to a person’s life if it connects to the personal planets, Moon, Sun, Mercury and Venus. Often when I think of Saturn I think of the Stoic philosophers who believed that we have to accept this earthly life as a place of trials, but I also think of a medieval man Marcelo Ficiano who believed these kinds of temperaments need a kind of soul medicine to help counterbalance the darkness while mining it..This may indicate that the acceptance of that depression or this sense of limitation or avenues of life being cut off as part of the limits we are subjected to, as we struggle to dig deep and unearth the way to the true self that contains a sense of buried aliveness that went dead due to outer conditioning.

Many of us born under this dark star though may end up spending alot of time in a kind of isolation or wilderness. Our sense of exile may be necessary as the wilderness is a soulful place where we no longer have to be subjected to the collective pressure to bury our true selves.

Its interesting as I am re-editing this post today from a better place after having a very intense therapy session on the phone yesterday.. My body was in an energetic combust melt down spin for the first 20 minutes I equate this to what I share about Saturn going direct in the paragraphs that follow… this was an extra session I asked for on Monday as I felt myself going down and luckily I read this post when I finally became capable of speech 20 mins into the session.. A lot of anger at my father came up last night after it related to that angst towards the earth moving curiously taking place next door on Mars day.. Tuesday.. but also related to the invasion of things going into my body in childhood I had no control over and resulted from parental carelessness or them just being so emotionally split off from feeling.

The Saturn influence for me came from both parents.. Both had Sun Mercury Saturn influences so they did not communicate much with me and I felt, when in trouble I could not go to them for fear of punishment, After reflecting on this for 24 hours I see they in many ways they had no words, had no help at all with emotions growing up.. My fear of being hurt or punished in the past was real, it was also probably carried as they too, as kids, had no parents much to go to, or at least my mother never did. They also could not give guidance..

My father seemed to see me.. But he hurt me. By the time he fell ill I was already in a lot of trouble due to having my education cut off, three years after my accident.. I know due to my sister’s aneurysm both parents were incapable of being available and so I took myself away but was out of my depth.. Asked to come back and was told : no more university. Knowing all of this is now in the past though also makes me not want to keep living out of that wounded, lifeless place for much longer.

When life takes a nose dive back into depression it is tough for me. Saturn turned direct on Monday and I felt it immediately.. Saturn now starts to reapply to a hard square aspect to the planet Uranus which is still retrograde. I see those themes of the desire for wildness, individual expression and freedom clashing with the Saturnian need to pull our head in especially in these Covid times. I also saw that twin pull in a movie about a black woman I watched yesterday struggling to break free of her mother’s narcissistic perfectionist conditioning which all centered around her need to straighten and ‘perfect’ her wild natural afro style of hair.. In the middle of the film, as an act of rebellion she shaves it all off and gets to live more from the inside out from that time forward and tries to touch base with her authenticity.

It also relates to men overpowering women. In fact this morning on the Screen Show presenter Jason De Rosso interviewed a Japanese director whose work focuses on how society reacts to women as they try to act in authentic ways, often trying to demonize, depotentiate or cut them down.. This may be hard for younger women to relate to but its powerful impact in my life (born 1962) and on both sisters (born in 1946 and 1954) was considerable.. My brother still gets the control over distribution of our inheritance even after nearly 4 years it has not been resolved and both my sister and I have been shamed over money issues.

Anyway that first movie had a very Uranian flavor but the Saturn influence was there in the conditioning she faced. Both Uranus and Saturn rule many of my planets : it is a twin influence on the sign of Aquarius but that Saturn influence around my moon is pretty strong right now in the heaviness and I have to be very disciplined in terms of getting up and moving forward and walking, because when I do not do this the demon of hopelessness and depression seems determined to get its hooks into me lately. Due to the interruption from the invasive work next door yesterday Jasper and i only made it out at about 4 pm but I immediately felt better for it.. Today we made it to the lake for wild wet windswept run at around 12. I have been waking in accident shock so painfully lately and its hard to get up and eat it has been such a struggle since late last week.

I got thinking about AA a lot lately and how people often see the disease not so much as just a desire for alcohol or oblivion but as an inner force that wants to block our happiness, forward motion and hope.. perhaps down to the internalized voice that sees us as not worthy or good enough and also down to poor choices we make due to not being at all strong or grounded in a knowing, love of and ability to nurture and discipline ourselves in healthy ways.

Early developmental trauma shows that lack of attunement, containment, good enough mirroring and feeding of the good stuff leaves us with cognitive deficits. In posts I shared a while back I mentioned the fact that I found out more recently about how implicit memory is stored below the level of our conscious mind and expressed through curious symptoms.. Stored here is the inner feeling of how well or poorly we were related to, accepted and loved in our bodies and souls not only through words but through hugs and other acts of hate or love (physical abuse or punishment) as well as the instilling of a sense that we are good enough and loved AS WE ARE NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT WE DO..

#A parent who accepts that as a child we will struggle and holds us and sees any acting out as a cry for attunement and guidance will raise a healthier child but if the parent themselves lacks in this they do not have it to give.

I am crying a lot lately in my therapy, I am really greiving my developmental wounds, I am sad for the way I blamed myself and let others blame me, I am particularly hurting over the fact my father would advocate for me behind my back (Mum told me this a lot in later years after I got sober) but would not talk to me at all when I had those struggles with her, just left me alone.. It hurts. It may be why I find it hard to trust and maybe even why I got the shits with those workmen ripping up my peace yesterday..

Not to be nurtured is a real wound and in the end we have to own it.. The cutting off of a sense of power, agency, authentic self expression and emotional protection from the murderous toxic super ego is also painful. When a child is left alone too much without mediation we become at risk for many kinds of ongoing damage and when we end up as addicts with addled brains we are likely to look in the wrong places for soothing or attunement. We literally do not have enough of the ‘good stuff’ wired into us.

To heal we often have to own also the loneliness that at depth may not even have been ours but our parents too and find ways not to be subsumed by it.. to make it keep us collapsed or paralysed. This is not an easy thing to do in a society where airbrushing is seen as the way to go or if we are enabled in the wrong ways Sometimes those in society seen as ones who ‘fail’ or are challenging due to the level of rage, anger or hurt expressed, the ones who fall prey to vulnerabilities will not have the true roots of that condition acknowledged. That said some healthy desire for life and a better way of living may rise up in some of us determined not forever to be put to death or to put ourselves to death, to remain trapped in a prison of inner depression or neglect. The truth is that not everyone gets an equal start and many wounds reach deeper back especially in alcoholic or trauma laden emotionally neglectful families..

Loving the Self means acknowledging our deficits and potentials. Involves seeing where we go in depression, but some deep times of depression will be part of our soul journey for those of us carrying those darker experiences and memories..so in order to make sense of it all we may need to find a way to give the truth a voice even at times if the message is dark . That is what I was attempting to do when I wrote this yesterday and then I trashed it..

Today I am a bit above the pain.. Last night real rage came out at 2 am with a massive storm that blew up here with torrential rain.. Maybe nature mirroring life, or the spirits and angels speaking? Who knows

I long for happy too, for Saturn heaviness is not the whole of my soul, but some days it does eclipse me, but I also need to remember that does not happens as much as it used to even if this week I found myself back in a deep dive in to depression again