My Mum’s helplessness : inner reflections

Adult children of alcoholism or emotional neglect really struggle especially if they could not depend, got no foundation of essential inner support, they may work hard, be flat out adapting and trying to do anything to survive but parts of them do not get to develop and access to their true feelings and needs may naturally be limited but this may be covered over.

Today I felt my helplessness, weakness and need. It was difficult to get my body moving, I was awake a long time in the middle of the night. A rapidly leaking tap was bothering me too. It being a Saturday I assumed call out fees for plumbers would be massive, I wasn’t wrong, one company I rang told me they would charge a 450 dollar call out fee to only cover the first hour no materials. Thank God for another plumber Chris who offered to come but I found myself breaking down in tears during the call. My eyes and nose just run like a tap too lately as the grief in my body is slowly seeping out, or is it just a sign of ageing?. Anyway dear soft Chris offered to come to help today and he lives over an hour away. He knew I needed help and he was KIND a kindness I so often miss in society and shut down family.

It got me to thinking why my sister did not want to live. Who was being truly kind to her or if they were her own heart shut down or perhaps did not feel sufficiently attuned to to connect.

Then there is Scott still needing help that feels too much for me. So so much need.

Anyway tears became a poem and my book about poetry also offered solace, wisdom, and comfort today. Living alone is hard it really is even if it sometimes has gifts. At least in the hospital my sister has people around but do they see the real Sue? I don’t know but I do know what a salvation kindness is and softness is.

My ex husband saw softness as a defect sadly, ir maybe he secretly felt shame for being soft inside. I do not know but in the end I wasn’t allowed to depend on him either. Dependency has been hard so it tends to come out sideways. That is what I am seeing more now as retrograde Saturn makes this slow station squaring my natal Moon. Mum could collapse emotionally often due to her own hidden pain and weaknesses that each one of us siblings carried in different ways but she could be strong too, sometimes. For me lately I just feel tired, sad and tired. Hopefully it will pass in time the sadness and tiredness. I really hope so. Or maybe this is all part of ongoing grieving and growing…my ego defences crumbling to reveal an inner hidden multi generational wounding legacy.

Mum often said she was shy but she covered over this shyness at times with a tornado so it was hard to see. Kim Rosen shares about how her shyness held her back from being vocal and an activist in her book on poetry saving her..she owns her fear, I think Mum was just so scared in so many way, out of her depth often but she never let it stop her fighting until one day she could fight no more, is that the tiredness I too am now feeling?