Trust in the quiet

Sometimes lately I only trust in the quiet. There is so much talking goes on out there (and even inside our heads), we all struggle to understand ourselves and each other. Often we get things wrong as its just our perspective never the less we need a perspective to live, how can we truly say we know what goes on deep down in another person’s heart and soul? Do we sometimes just get blinded by our own agenda? Good questions to ponder.

I keep thinking off the part I may have played in my living sisters struggles to live free of mental.illness. I see times she may have needed help I could not give, how I kept a distance in my own world to protect my heaet from her and some shallowness around certain issues. Maybe at times I over estimated too the limits of my power. It’s why lately I’ve pulled back even though a friend finally rang yesterday to let me know where my sister is now. In a different adult ward of the hospital than before, under a new psychiatrist, it angers me to think how the other one having experimented on her with all combinations of drugs and 2 rounds of separate long term ECT has now washed her hands of her. But my sister submitted to this.

For all the years after Mum died I honestly tried but we are such different people. During her last hospitalisation there were many living moments of connection even as she struggled I could feel into her at times and she into me. I knew that as those moments felt sweet and some of my defences crumbled but psychiatric damage does affect our cognitive ability and capacity to deeply inwardly connect and when that inner connection to True Self is not strong its harder to genuinely connect to others

For now I must use my heart to feel the way to go and my head too for grounded common sense. And I am just one fallible human, in charge of little but my own life and that I choose to live drug free And my life is important but so is my sister’s so there is not a day goes by that she is not in my heart soul and prayers and at times I agonise over knowing what to do. But me lately it feels safer and wiser to say less and pray more because truly I have no answers for anyone else’s life but mine.