conundrum

In some way

I turned away from you

When it all got so difficult

To do

Deep inside my heart

I knew how much you were suffering

As much as I reached out

Did I sometimes say too much?

Did I

Sometimes get it

Oh so wrong

In judging those I judged

Had failed you too?

I do now know

I do not know

There is so much I know now I can

Never ever really change

Try as I might wish to

And as difficult for me

As it is

To be

Silent

Lately it seems the more real and honest way

To deal with the conflict I feel inside

Just to let it rest

Not over think it so much

Until it keeps transforming

Shape and meaning

Into something else

Something else

God knows I am not perfect

Never ever will be

I did love you

But you hurt me too

And yet what else could you ever do or be

But ‘other’

Than me?

So many things I now

Cannot say to you

And what would be the point of

All of these words anyway?

I cannot hug you

So instead I can only be with it all

Knowing sometimes there are no answers

May never even be any more

Healing

Because in the end life does not fit any

Carefully thought out prescription

And so it is

So much must of necessity

Become

A tangled up

Patiently suffered

Deeply endured

Conundrum