Confused into passivity : fighting our way out of the collapse of Complex PTSD trauma

I tried to write a post on victim consciousness yesterday, its in drafts because I am not wholly satisified with it enough to post it right now but I have been thinking a lot over the past few days of how we get convinced to give up our truth and to become powerless in the face of external forces, unaware (as we at first are) of how much fear such forces operate on and that our ancestors came out of.. The issue of passivity and victim consciousness is one that Nancy Van Dyken deals with in her book on Everyday Narcissism that I have shared exerpts from in the past….

The truth is that we get inculcated into a victim consciousness by being victimized and overpowered by larger, external forces. We can then become identified with that ‘victim’ role, existing in a learned helplessness, powerless or dis-empowered state. Those who do not have a clue about the source of our victimization may come into our lives (and this includes some therapists) and torment us about it, shame us, mis-judge us, yes, even kick us when we are down or at the very least not give us the appropriate help or empowerment to move out of it. We can also turn against ourselves in this state.

This is also the way a bully or a toxic person will try to pull on our energy or self concept, keep us down, they get an idea of what the nature of our wound is then try to say we are ‘bad’ for having a normal reaction of trauma as a result. If we become identified with the co-dependent or fawn, placating solution we may take that on and stay stuck or trauma bonded and continue to surrender our power to move out of both fawn and freeze states. The feeling or judgement we get is almost of the kind “what the hell is wrong with you for being so.. weak.. sad.. fearful.. frozen… passive?’ or whatever other vulnerable state that toxic person sees us in.

This is why it is so important that we do the hard work to normalize trauma reactions to traumatic events instead of making them into a form of pathology while at the same time disidentifying from repeating those patterns. That said the way out will come through going through this kind of repetition compulsion in order for us to use the pain for growth, insight, wisdom and learning.. Pain relief sought out of this situation without us being able to use it as the necessary tool then entraps us in a medical or even psychiatric model that is just as killing and unhelpful

Those of us consistently overpowered by parents, teachers, siblings or peers often end up falling into a fawn or freeze state. We often had the fight and flight solutions available to the narcissistic bully out of their own traumatic past disabled. It is therefore important that we get a chance to bring out the rebel/ fight response and even flight too (not necessarily running from instructive pain but getting out of the situatio of being needlessly hurt or re-traumatized. Getting away may be the best solution when it comes to a toxic individual who has zilch interest in honest, introspective self evaluation or showing us one shred of true empathy.

Some therapists may not be able to relate to our level of torment or frustration and often we also TURN AGAINST THE TRUE SELF which is why coming out of denial is often filled with an almost intolerable state of anxiety. The anxiety is much about the release and expression of assertive healthy parts of us disabled and the fear in this situation is about the FEAR OF COMING ALIVE AS OUR TRUE SELF THAT MAY COME WITH ‘THREATS’ OR RISKS RELATED TO PAST ABUSE IN THE FACE OF HONEST SELF EXPRESSION THAT WE HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH.

I made it part way through the Amazon Prime Series Nine Perfect Strangers on the weekend.. It was tough going due to the issues of trauma portrayed as well as the complex intermeshment of emotions and trauma between the ‘patients, assistant therapists and Masha at the community of Tranquillium. But in one scene the characters are encouraged to take out their rage against their abusers and devaluers on a prop, the level of rage that comes out is frightening for some. That anger/rage/fight energy (Mars) though is only necessary to be realized in order that the person can learn to harness that energy for person use not to self criticize but rather in a positive way to nurture and support the inwardly traumatized part of the past ‘victim’ self that needs to break free of that false identification. If it is not recognized in truth then that expression of both inner torment and frustration at the degree of both victimization and disempowerment will lead the ‘sufferer’ to be scapegoated by toxic families, systems and even therapists..

Its sad to see a person whose soul is being slowly killed off.. In this regard I think of both of my sister’s at times.. I see what my own mother struggled with and how little awareness she had around it, both of my parents sought their salvation in money, success and appearances (though my father was not so much driven by appearances so much as the overpowering poverty and challenges of his young life.) Both my parents came from families trying to pull themselves out of the mud to survive, but then when the resources came it was not always easy for them to be used due to the kind of control my mother especially tried to put in place around them.

Today I went though a lot of shame and guilt feelings about the way I also fell into a disempowered state whereby it became almost impossible to earn my own living.. That was following the traumatic head injury that I had though on the run with so much pent up grief and trauma still slumbering inside of me..At the point of that occurring I had 12 years of sobriety under my belt which I now know is not a lot considering the amount of alexithymia and emotional neglect I came out of multi-generationally. I now know I needed every cent of that support as both my parents just had to work so hard to survive that their emotional lives became the sacrifice..

So it is : we struggle and suffer and then use that struggle and suffering to learn that we can eventually come out of the total identification with trauma and the ‘victim’ role in an empowered way. This may take a long time depending upon the amount of support we receive and our ability to contain the trauma with help.. Much of our trauma is not person but depersonal, carried as it is along an ancestral line and is often multi-generational.

So if anyone taunts you by saying you are ‘acting the victim’ do not rise to the bait.. But also remember that even though at one time, you may have been the disempowered victim that is not the whole of the story. There are ways of finding, reclaiming and taking your own power back from the toxic systems and dysfunctional relationships within which you sadly became so deeply enmeshed.

Radical personal responsibility means rather than me focusing on you – until you’re held accountable or you fix it or change it, I’m a victim to what you’ve done to me – instead, in radical personal responsibility, I’m going to turn inwards to heal myself beyond this, regardless of what you are going to do or not do.

Melanie Tonia Edwards

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/hiding-behind-victimisation-and-blaming-instead-of-taking-responsibility/