Speaking our truth : being ourselves

Speaking our truth to others can be difficult at times, and at times we may lie to ourselves or others for various reasons.. We may feel that being honest may hurt someone’s feelings, or we may feel the need to deny how we really feel because it may involve us making difficult changes or facing disapproval.

I just came across the following in the book Everyday Narcissism : Yours, and Ours, written by therapist Nancy Van Dyken. Narcissism can get a bad rap in our society but my therapist always points out we are all somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism, at either the healthy or unhealthy end. How safe we feel as well as the way we choose to defend against or react out of earlier relational wounding may also relate back to those four ‘F’ styles of dealing with earlier childhood, abuse, trauma or neglect therapist Pete Walker outlines in his work on Complex PTSD: Fight, flight,freeze and fawn..

When our survival depending upon others meeting our needs or us having to push ourselves out of shape in an attempt to get them met lying and dishonesty may result if we come to fear our own wants, needs, values and opinions.. We may even be made to feel that healthy self assertion is ‘bad’ or ‘aggressive’. This came to me as something to share today from inner guidance while eating lunch:

The more we lie to ourselves or stay in denial, the less we are able to heal, move forward, and create the life we long for. And the more we lie or deny things to ourselves the further we get from our true self. Honesty with ourselves, then becomes our greatest challenge, and deepest need.

A large part of recovering from unhealthy narcissism involves learning to tell the truth both our ourselves and others. This can be done in a loving rather than mean way.. It can be done in a way where we do not deny the needs of ourselves or others. For example if someone asks us to do something we do not want to do we can be honest.. If they keep pushing we can continue to be firm (though many unhealthy narcissistic people will challenge us on this one.)

If someone asks you to do something you do not want to do, simply say “No, that won’t work for me.” “No, I don’t want to” or just “No.”

To be totally honest we do this without making excuses which is a way of giving our power away, perhaps due to the fear of another person’s anger or rejection.

And sometimes we may need to think a request over. In this case we an ask for time and that time will give us time to check in inwardly with what we feel and need if we are not clear at the time.

Nancy Van Dyken recommends that we always will know how it feels in our body if we are lying or telling the truth about something by a feeling of being not ‘okay.’ And she reminds us how scary it may initially feel to begin telling our truth when we have not done so in the past. This is not unlike experiencingwhat Melody Beattie refers to as the afterburn a feeling of fear or discomfort that follows an attempt to be honest, firm and real as well as setting boundaries even if this risks us losing someone’s approval.

Van Dyken reminds us that even when we have to say no or consider the way in which we may need to co-operate with others in a loving way that does not totally involve us in complete negation or self sacrifice is possible when we care about each other’s needs even at those times we may not be able to meet one set of them.

Speaking Difficult Truths

Speaking your truth will likely scare some people. You will not be socially predictable. Others will see that you cannot be easily controlled or manipulated or made to feel guilty. Yet all of this will only make you feel more powerful – because you will be more powerful. Some people will value this immensely, others will be put off or offended by it.

..it may be very frightening at first, especially for women. Strong women who speak their truths are often called bitches or castrating females, particularly by frightened or angry men. Such name calling is always a sign of narcissism because it always carries this message : when you tell the truth, you are not worthy, likeable, lovable, or desireable.

This is a version of Myth 5 of (Van Dyken’s) everyday narcissism :

We are not lovable as we are, we can only become lovable through what we do or say.

In childhood this myth is inculcated into us by the culture parents, siblings and even teachers when we are shamed or criticized for being ourselves and not following the ‘rules’.

Each time we valued only for what we do and who we pretend to be, rather than who we are, a wound is created or deepened.

We are then subjected to disapproval, silence or punishment which later becomes internalized as we turn against our true selves. Inner judgement then continues to tell us we are not enough of something or too much of something to be lovable. Developing a false self then becomes the way we interact and it is this false self that in the end fears that opening the door on its own truth will in some way leave us feeling very very unsafe and disapproved of.. As a consequence we begin to lie and deny the truth of who we really are with disastrous consequences for our mental health because lacking this permission and internalizing it makes us far too outwardly oriented to fully survive as a healthy person with a good sense of inner self esteem and self knowing.. Fear of speaking and living our truth them makes us hide, or lie and we are then lost, we have lost the way to a healthier form of narcissism that would have enabled us to be a real participant in this world capable of standing firm and true on our own emotional solid ground.