Some comments that people leave break my heart, the make me think of all the good, true, kind people out there who suffer at the hands of the less sensitive.. I was watching the earlier stand up comedy show of Australian comedian Hannah Gadsby late last week, Nanette, and in it she shares how others have tried to shut down her sensitivity, telling her to lighten up or just not be that way. At one point the intensity of her anguish and anger is palpable in the sharing.
It called to mind my own family and particularly one sister who told me just this after I got sober and was really struggling in my marriage, still very strongly and deeply enmeshed in my highly narcissistically wounded family of origin.. It hurt at the time and then sometimes when it comes to those who hurt us out of unneeded (but perhaps highly ignorant callousness or hidden contempt) maybe its best to laugh at it all, because to be honest IT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS ADVICE..
I understand what this sister may have struggled with now when I came into the picture in the family when she was 8, it would have been a big change, later nastiness never made much sense to me, what had I done wrong apart from being born? Things I was told over a number of years or were said about me behind my back
That she pitied me and my life was shit.
That I was envious of her.
That I was always the ‘bad’ and ‘difficult’ child.
That I needed to get a life.
That I needed to lighten up
That I was the tissue queen.
Later in life after her own breakdown maybe her perception changed though at one point I even got blamed for that because I confronted her by email after the head injury over the callous way I was treated after Jonathan left and was seeking some kind of mixed up refuge at our family’s coast house, the site of so much past trauma.
I can look at a photo of my Dad now and not feel a fantasy love, I cared for my Dad but he did not know how to relate to me, he did not know how to protect me, he did not know how to validate me. He watched me struggle with my Mum and resort to frustration and shouting and only told her that was my defense but who was there to speak up for me?
I am an adult now and so I have to speak up for myself. If I will not do it who will? Believe me as the designated ‘addict’ (albiet the one in recovery) I was told by my mother after opening up to her about my new found sobriety that I was the only one with the problem in our family which has not borne out to be true..
These days I encourage all highly sensitive people derailed by narcissists to try the very best to take back their power.. When you endeavor to speak the truth of the family in the family or to the family often you will be shut down or locked out. After today’s therapy sessions I was reading a chapter in Bryn Collins book Emotional Unavailability that deals with this subject. Do not expect the emotionally shut down to see or validate what you and anyone else suffered (especially physical, emotional or even sexual abuse). It’s happened to me far too many times now to ever want to keep trying.. but thank God I can finally stop blaming myself.
Today during our phone therapy session Kat my therapist told me she sees me having made huge progress that I am now able to have all of my feelings without feeling bad, after all no feeling is bad per se and it is more how we end up acting on or out of our feelings that can make things go to custard. Getting a handle on this acting out of buried or disallowed human feeling may take a long time for many of us but we must not give up.
In a world that would rather we stayed deaf, dumb, numb or blind as well as silent to our own emotional truth we cannot expect to be applauded for telling our version of truth, that said that does not negate it.. It happened to us, it mattered to us, it hurt us a lot, we are allowed to have and struggle with all of our complex feelings around it long enough for us to grow and seek change. What we suffered does matter, it really does (even if those who hurt us don’t give a flying fuck or are just invested in us staying confused about the truth!).. So whatever happens in your life do not give that truth away for anyone.. if you feel it in your gut own it, live it be it, do not keep up participating in your own killing off or soul murder!
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Well said. I found out that often times it’s the sensitive souls in a family who basically take on all the shit and dysfunction of the entire family, thinking we’re the problem or the only one with a problem. When it’s actually a family-wide dysfunction. A therapist helped me see this when I was in my late 30’s. That there was a lot of dysfunction in my family growing up. Bravo to you for doing the work. Unfortunately, I’ve found that many people get stuck in the mindset of their being just fine and believing it’s someone else that’s the problem (like when my mentally ill mother had us 3 children in therapy because she needed to be on psych medication and wasn’t – we were scapegoated for years).
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Thats text book for what a narcissistic mother does.. I see how my mother tried to derail all of us at one time or another.. its really sad as they never own their part in it.. I am so glad you managed to break free it taken me well over 26 years now.. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience.. I value that so much. ❤
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