When our feelings (especially our anger) remain a mystery

I read a brilliant book on anger a long time ago. I ordered it again a few weeks ago after so much deeply buried anger coming up with Kat in therapy a while ago and it arrived last week and it is really helping me understand so many things about myself, about my family, and about all the things I felt angry about. but could not allow myself to know I WAS angry about.

I think at times, as John Lee says in the book Facing the Fie : Expriencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately. that even when I write a blog post or journal it may not always come from my gut, from my deeply buried emotional truth. I may unconsciously be fearful at times of being judged or measuring up, as honest as I try to be.. at times I can also write more from my head. That said, its different with some poems, often later when I share them in therapy a HUGE amount of buried emotion floods out.

I also think coming to grips with anger in this way is problematic as its a disallowed emotion for so many of us, especially women as we are not liked or approved of when we get angry. Also as a young girl our father may have held great power over us, if he was not able to see us, to relate to us as a real human being, even if, like my Dad, he did see us but didn’t step into support later in life that has a huge effect..and he may shut our anger down as well as huge part of our honest instinctual desire nature that is so linked to our essence (Mars fights for the Sun in a healthy astrology chart!)

I have heard it said that seeing how our father is gives us a model for being in the world, if he carries wounds or emotions deeply buried maybe the sensitive child in the family picks up on it. We also watch the interactions between our Mums and Dads and learn about a lot of things or don’t, most especially what happens to anger and need, how tolerated is it, as well as about things like respect, true empathy and intimacy (or its lack). How responsive Dad is to Mum and vice versa is an issue for us. We also struggle when not allowed to express our True Selves when young and due to the need to be connected will try as best we can to make a relationship to both parents in order to get needs met. But what happens when genuine need is not seen, or we are told it was wrong or bad?

I witnessed something that really got to me a few weeks ago.. I was in the kitchenware shop looking for some things I needed and I overheard a father say to his young daughter “You have been a really good little girl today, you haven’t asked for anything you want!” I was quiet frankly dumbfounded and yes, I am sure massively triggered.. How many times was I told what I wanted or needed made no sense or was not to be allowed?

So Yes John Lee’s book is making me understand how angry I have been with my Dad and even with my brother at times and with the entire Scott/Daniel situation.. I am also lately understanding how little of a deeply intimate and genuine relationship I could have with my husband but also not to shame myself as at the time we met I had no insight into myself at all and a load of narcissistic and developmental injuries..the truth is we both did the best we could in that relationship but this week due to the anniversary of him leaving me being only 17 days back a lot of this pain is obviously coming up within me for processing. Truly our relationships with exs leave deep and tangled roots inside of us and they resonate back to earlier relational themes.

I want to share more from John Lee’s book today as what he writes about makes a lot of sense and is about not being caught up in the rationalizing analytical or even philosophical mind.. Its about coming to know the hidden deeply felt (at the time) emotional things from childhood that hurt that we had to put away and forget all about but that subconsciously continue to affect us without us even fully recalling them.

As he says our anger actually shows us what matters to us, it shows us what is important to us. The paragraphs I just read copied below really resonated with me today so I wanted to share them for so often I have blown off my own abuse, stayed connected to abusers while burying so much true feeling just not to be so alone and exiled…I see it all now and cry about it, especially about the self blame which came out of a child’s unconscious ignorance. But I am an adult now and can learn about these things.. I can take back my power, especially the power over knowing how I really feel and taking steps to express that to myself and in therapy rather than continue to replay it out unconsciously in each new or old relationship I am involved in.

You need to know what really matters to you. When you’ve made a list add things to it as they come to mind. Whatever comes to mind is operative in your emotional life.

Again, what matters to you doesn’t have to be something you respect, something ‘mature’ and ‘reasonable’. What matters to you may not be mature and reasonable, because our emotions aren’t either of those things. It doesn’t matter whether other people care about what you care about, because YOU care about it. It doesn’t matter whether you want to care about it, because you do. No reason is unreasonable – if you recall it, it’s memorable. Even tiny things (in childhood) can have big consequences.

Maybe you had a Teddy Bear that got lost when you moved. Or a gym teacher that ridiculed you. A preacher who told you you were a sinner at twelve. A music teacher who told you not to sing with the rest of the choir because you couldn’t stay on key. A pet that a put down that you still miss.

Whatever you are angry about, respect that feeling enough to stay with it, let it work on you. You may be so moved that you need to express your emotions by beating on a pillow, or twisting a towel or doing some physical exercises (and he provides some of these in the book, but a walk sometimes helps!).