reach for life

Last night

Or was it in the early hours?

That this grief that sifts its way through my tissues

Spread eagling my restless limbs

Awakened me to

How closed down I became

So fearful of really opening my heart

I saw with blinding clarity too

How often I kept myself apart

And feeling that knife edge of separation

Cutting

Was always

So so painful

So that now I look with shock upon

Some of my former ways

You opened your heart to me

But I was a confused and befuddled thing

Lately the surprise of it is upturning completely

Any false sense of me

Being

A open hearted

Kind

Human being

And yet then

There was hurt

It seems at times it was all I knew

Unable to unfold my true self

I withdrew

And so I held this familiar pain

Close

And found my comfort in it

But oh the wasted years

I have cried so many tears

Have seen with stark honesty

How so many fears

Stole what was good

I wish I could change it

But I cannot

For it was the painful path I trod

Formed as it was by all of these

Complex tangled

Ancestral threads of grief

I can only learn the lesson

And keep finding a way to open my heart

I loved you a lot

But it semed impossible

To show it

Sometimes

You are never apart from me

But the past is a ransom

For last night with that vision

I realized

My soul so deperately

Needs this healing

And for me to

Reach for life