A really difficult day

I could hardly move my body today I have been waking around 2.30 or 3 am with these anger surges, floods of memories of hurt and abandonment at the hands of various people and then my body comes out swinging and fighting.

Add to this (due to love and confusion and compassion) I could still not totally cut Scott off. Last night I got these messages saying how now one loves him and everyone has abandoned him and he is still sure I can get the money to help but if I cannot his life is not worth living and makes no sense.. It made me feel so scared for him yesterday and sad but then I just got angry to get gifs of crying babies.. its all too much I tried to help but it looks like the whole thing came out of wounding and longing and there is no way to appeal to a kind bone in my brother’s body at all.. and maybe that the adult right thing (not to help rescue him from his own choices) but I just felt so helpless.. That acknowledged I then I told him will not be blamed or made responsible.

As I said it then took ages to wake up this morning, it was as if all of the breath and energy had been sucked out of me. I was fighting to rise and surface.. And yesterday Daniel asked about my therapy and life and was so kind empathic and validating about it all. As a recovering alcoholic it is always a risk opening up about the fact of where you got taken and that you no longer drink, some people like my ex husbands family will use it against you and accuse you of being a kill joy.. He took it well (not that I really need his approval of my life and path). And he complimented me.. but then communication got cut.. I was not consciously worried but maybe subconsciously as when I woke I had a feeling contact would fall away but really he just had a very busy day, in the past that would have been a trigger for me but it isn’t so much any more now i can hold my own inner child’s hand, at least some of the time.

I managed to shower by eleven o’clock and then went out to get a frittata and a coffee at our local deli.. I am not sure about the coffee drinking and lately I feel some of my eating is tied up with abadonment depression, still it was lovely to go down by the lake and check my blog then get some messages from Daniel but my body started getting activated after I took a walk by the beach.. I was anxious about not meeting Jasper’s needs today so went home and he ran out as soon as I opened the garage door. He climbed in the car and I got the inspiration to go to the play park year home and as soon as we got out of the car he ran happily but oh so barkingly and loudly close to a mother, grandmother and ten month old little girl which felt a little like angel resonance intervention.. I apologised for the way J can be, he sometimes scares little kids, he is not used to them and explained my own PTSD at first the little girl was frowning but when I asked they said she was just not familiar with dogs, I am always mindful of Jasper not overwhelming kids but in time he calmed down and she started to smile.. I asked them if she was walking yet as I could see she was trying to find her the power and strength in her legs at that age. This is when they told me she was 10 months, I thought of how the anger/separation/assertiveness stage starts around 2 years.. I also thought of how in the end my older sister was in nappies and could not stand.. I also thought of my own ongoing battles with standing upright.

After this we played around but in the car on the way home as I looked at my beautiful dog who gets to live such and isolated life with me at times and just cried. I also thought of Jonathan (my ex husband) with love and sadness. Part of me felt it was the right and unselfish thing to not give birth to that baby I was pregnant with at only 7 months sober. but it hurt him a lot and that makes me feel sad. I know right to lifers would judge me but I do not think that comes out of a complete understanding.. The baby knows it will not come to term according to angel intuitive Lorna Byrne, it accepts and loves the mother unconditionally, knowing at a soul level it all has a reason, and we all know it is better a child is not neglected.. that said we all have to deal with our own wounding if we can. The issue is far too complex for black and white solutions or points of view, I believe. But at that time I just intuitively knew i did not really know how to be a good Mum.

The song Kiss of Life by Sade also came on autoplay at this time of crying and looking at Jasper and saying sorry to Jonathan. That song I always associate with us meeting as he did take me out of the darkness of my Sydney addictive life in 1993… I got sober 6 months after we met and as I shared with Jeff my AA friend yesterday those early months of sobriety were some of the best of my life.. I had a lovely husband, I made new non addictive friends, I lost a job but ended up getting three better ones over the next few years. but sadly I stopped going to meetings and pursued therapy when we finally left to live overseas in 1999. It was good I got the therapy, I needed to deal with my attachment wounding but it caused others pain and confusion and God knows Jonathan had his own pain too.. Its only in later years he has said he now realizes I really did need the therapy. Maybe his second relationship failing taught him this..

Anyway, on this day, 17 years ago I had just said goodbye to him at Sydney airport.. He gave me a small tin just before we said goodbye with about 100 dollars in it.. He told me it was for a horse ride on the beach.. I was in too much grief in those following years to ever organise that, but I do remember that gesture of love.. Today I can cry for both of us while also knowing i should be happy and grateful too..

Some days like today the separations, the aloneness, the isolation, the woundings, the sore gut, the head rushes and body swings just feel far far far too intense but then my angels remind me that the Sun is now opposing transiting Saturn in Aquarius and squaring transiting Uranus in Taurus so this intensity is to be expected.. As Lee Harris said in one of his recent energy updates these current July and August energies of 2021 are birthing energies putting pressure on the formation and gestation of new parts of us that are more conscious and as these birth old energies, experiences, imprints as well as subconscious emotions have to into the fire and as they do old unconscious ego patterns that came out of core wounding have to be faced and burn up. The burning up may feel at times like it will kill us, or possibly destroy someone else.. but with Mars now in Virgo and soon moving on to oppose the natal Chiron of those of us born during the early 1960s while it also moves to conjunct the natal Pluto of that same generation (in Virgo which is both a mercurial as well as feminine earth sign) its to be expected.. And please note too the 1970s generation have natal Uranus in Scorpio (another fixed sign) and the 1980s generation have natal Pluto in Scorpio so some of you too will be being hit by this Saturn Uranus Sun transit.. be loving to yourselves, be patient and try not to judge others around you whose process right now might be as intense as it is even if they are expressing very dark and primal or murderous feelings.. For it is my intuitive understanding that what is being cleared now is not only personal but multi-generational, ancestral and deeply collective.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=lee+harris+energy+update+july+2021