Talking too much : self shaming flashbacks and some thoughts on intuitive angelic guidance

Lately I try to connect with my sister on a daily basis.. She was brave enough to reach out to one son last week.. I just tried to remind her that sometimes people get busy and it is not that they do not care but they too may appreciate a call. As we say in Al Anon.. ‘Let it begin with me!’. And can we learn to give the things to ourselves too that our emotionally unavailable or neglectful parents, siblings, teachers or families could not give to us? Attention, approval, feelings of love and safety, unconditional self acceptance?

When I am on the phone to my sister I talk on and on about my path and journey, about my own anxiety and flashbacks and the sense of shame downloaded into me by the nuns. My sister too was on the receiving end of punishment just for wanting to learn a Dean Martin song to play for my Dad on the piano.. the Nun in question flew into a rage and told her it was the devil’s music, I think I recall her saying (as she has now lost all memory due to 3 separate rounds of ECT) that the Nun actually even tore up the score which was a fucking boundary violation.. My sister rebelled by never playing the piano again.

Still after I just got off the phone my inner critic was telling me how selfish I was to monopolize the conversation, the attack went on for about 40 minutes.. Thinking about it objectively, this is not strictly true, as during the conversation I asked her a lot of questions too, its mainly short term memories obliterated for her right now.. She does not remember all she did to clear out Mum’s unit and that she gave so many people associated to Mum keepsakes which was a lovely thing to do but now she does not even remember it.. At times I feel myself acting as her memory and I do not know all about her life at all but today I found out some new things when I asked.

I am realizing lately too, that there are two main issues with me that come from conditioning :. firstly the fear I will be too big for my boots, get too happy and come a cropper or become an ego maniac.. This one is very deep rooted after all we were told in childhood we were to be seen and not heard and most definately not be part of dinners Mum and Dad had we were to sit behind the sliding door in the kitchen and be as unobtrusive as possible.. for a child like me with alot of airy and fiery Leo energy this was not easy… The second is that I will spend too much money, this is also related to joy and my inner child, I am actually pretty good with money and the things I often spend on are food or soul things.. as well as books and therapy.

On another note : my older brother still has no clue of how it was growing up in his shadow.. To be honest its his hard work and ingenuity that is supporting us, together with the hard work Dad did to escape the dire poverty and danger of his European background.. I remember well my older brother’s oldest son collapsing at the funeral almost as if the weight of the dream now transferred was so much for him it obliterated conscious standing. The second child, a daughter is empathic and highly sensitive and has struggled a long time in her brother’s shadow.. A single Mum the abandonment pattern of woman being left all alone has repeated, she fell pregnant in 2004 to an Asian man who was too ashamed to own the son and has effectively abandoned him too, despite my brother’s attempts to try to get him to step up. This is the niece who sadly lately has been having a lot of epileptic seizures.

For me at the end of the line, access to helping Scott is well and truly blocked. I dare not mention we are involved again as my brother hit the roof last time accusing me of squandering the family inheritance.. Scott has the money back home in the States but cannot access it until he gets home and they wont release him without him paying back the 84,000 in pay he has received pre his deployment to Iraq.. Anyway it is what is is.. I will not give up on connection but maybe for now good connections to friends and family just have to be enough.

Maybe my brother is trying to protect me I just do not know, but when he tells me my sister is not capable of understanding certain things I get upset.. My sister says its the truth, she tells me I have always had to be so independent, that I do not understand.. I don’t know I am just a fighter, sometimes it seems its all I know how to do.

On this fighter tangent I was reading some writing from angel intuitive Melanie Beckler yesterday on signs indicating that Archangel Micheal is close. She said he carries a sword so if you see images of swords he may be close, he also appears as stars dancing on water or flashes of light appearing in meditation or behind your eyes. The other day in the bath when he was communicating with me I saw a green and white pattern behind my closed eyes which then became moving dots and cloud like forms of light blue, blue is the color associated with AM.. also I was chuffed to learn he is most strongly related to the Sun as I shared here a few weeks ago in meditation AM gave me a Sun to hold and asked me to draw on its warmth and healing anytime I felt low in emotions or energy.

I still fear overpowering my sister at times.. I know she has to find her own way, it’s just I think so often of her in that unit tower of Mum’s feeling so deeply alone and isolated at times.. All I can do is try to encourage her.. let her know she must not feel shame for having so called mental health issues.. My sister is a good person she really is, she has a kind heart, I just keep praying for her.. As long as I am alive I will always care for her welfare and I will always try to be there for her if and when she needs me.