Awfulizing : (but childhood really was painful!)

This probably isn’t even a word but after posting a post full of anger at certain male members of my family yesterday I had to eat humble pie today and be grateful that my nephew finally came through with the help of my sister to sort my allowance. It took a lot of effort with the bank and followed my sister’s weekly dose of shock treatment. I’ve already expressed how I feel about this but its been my sister’s choice..she told me months,ago she was given no alternative but I am sure somewhere she has deferred to the doctor. She is no longer in as much flight but forgetting a lot. That said the love and support between us is growing by me respecting her path. And I just read a portion in the book Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff on how sometimes we can make things into a melodrama, feeling like I’m bring ignored triggers me, but people are busy its just a sad fact of modern life.

Anyway the first transfer went through. It’s only set up for a year but at least I’m back on solid ground again, if I budget well I can live within my means.. I am also seeing all of my family struggled but my sis as the third child got very lost. In fact in his stand up Lobby Baby comedian Seth Meyer jokes about how the third child often has to raise themselves, how they become the monkey butler I don’t know if he came from an alcoholic family but what he said resonated. My sister suffered neglect in many ways, had to take care of me and was often mean, possibly as a result. We ended up having a big chat about it this afternoon.

It is good to see the innocence in my family rather than make them into demons. Truth is I was feeling suicidal today before therapy and my sister’s call to say my financial support owed was finally being sorted, but the feeling passed. Tonight gratefully I am not in that place.

My understanding of attachment trauma in Complex PTSD is also growing as I explore more traumas in my young life and dissolve even more defences against fully feeling their true impact. Today it was over a third degree burn endured due to one of Mums caravanning holiday cleaning frenzies when I was only about 5 or 6.. I know now why relationships terrified me, I was hurt, left alone, and terrorised at times and after my accident left so raw. Everything is beginning to make sense and I’m allowing the grief work that is such a key part if the stage of recovery I am now in. If I surrender to it all will be well. I always carry the wounds butat least they won’t hurt as much from remaining unconscious.