In all of the reading and listening I have been doing since my last relationship caused me so much pain about narcissism and narcissistic injury the underlying themes of shame and vulnerability always figure large. The other interesting thing that is often spoken of is the kill joy aspect of narcissism.. Someone with this wound finds it hard to truly celebrate the success and joy of others and often they put a dampner on things.. On the negative end of the spectrum the outer critic looms large and contempt is often a theme too. On the victim/martyr end of the spectrum there may be a continual wallowing and sense of self pity that allows no sense of sunlight in.
Sure there is a time to be depressed and sad when we are genuinely grieving a loss or coming to understand the heavy cost of not having things we longed for.. that will be the kind of breaking open pain that initially hurts us a lot but if we defend against this necessary pain and healing then I am of the firm opinion that we cannot then find the path to joy and a fully embodied life in which we have mutual regard for both self and others across the full spectrum of life together with deep empathy.
The psychoanalyst Melanie Klein made the observation that the depressive position is actually a stage on the way to making sure we put an end to splitting things and people (as well as ourselves) into shallow categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. A depression from this perspective may involve a healing as well as a rising up of what was or had to be repressed as we grew in order that we can become more whole. If we try to numb this then we may end up with what Carl Jung called an abortive individuation process.
There may also be a time we may over empathize in giving the damaging person the benefit of the doubt in our lives.. If we continue to allow them to hurt us it is not fair to us.. That said the ability to see others realistically and to know that not all people can make the leap through the depressive position or have the strength, wisdom and capacity to face the depression or deep dive into self introspection without tools of numbing, splitting and denial is also important..
As we heal we get to make the choice of what energies we can tolerate to be around.. For some of us being around the killing force of narcissism on the negative end, in the end just becomes something we are not willing to do anymore.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
This is so insightful. I really need to read up more on depression as a stage in healing rather than a “bad” thing.
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Yes see its demonised in a narcissistic society. If you are depressed or sad it’s because you are seen as a failure but Marianne Wiilliamsin says depressed people in our toxic society are like the canaries in the coal mine. They are expressing something and it so important to make friends enough with our gut feelings and soul as well as intuition to find out what depression is trying to say or help us realize and move through. 🌹❤
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