A sun somewhere

Ever since Archangel Michael came to me in meditation yesterday and gave me the gift of a golden Sun along with inner messages to help with the fear and pain that seemed to flow out of me with all of the tears which come as you feel the power of these spiritual being’s love I have been sensitive to the glimmers of sunlight that appear behind dark or stormy clouds.

We had a lovely windswept walk by the lake today, Jasper and I, I had been sleeping pretty well, getting better at sidestepping these pleas from Scott but I had a bad panic attack as the gardener was leaving around 10 am today. I asked him to prune a tree and he ripped into it with a motorized power tool.. I am not a big fan of this kind of rough pruning, almost as if I feel the tree’s shock and pain. He stood at the door as I was writhing on the ground with the panic attack, he did not know what to do so he just went away for a while and them came back. It was fine he was okay with it, he asked if he could help but I asked him to give me space.

Anyway after this ‘spin out’ subsided, we managed that walk and got back to the car just in time for rain to fall. The wind was really strong. I had another ‘attack’ coming home over the garden, I get so sick of these at times.. That said I think my body right now just really is in desperate need of letting go and relaxation.

I have some anxiety about my sister coming home tomorrow but I cannot take this on. She has to find a way to live (or not) I just cannot try to change it any more… I am so sick to death of other people’s problems.. I am not reading any messages from Scott for a while, he won’t listen to me anyway and I told him yesterday my hands are tied.. But I will not let myself be paralyzed by him.. Life goes on. I am fine alone and I do not need (or want) to be treated this way anymore!

I know I can reach for that inner sunlight somehow, even if the Sun is not shining outside.. today it is coming and going in actuality but today after lunch I am kicking back to read my book on ‘Max’ who was a member of the Polish resistance to Nazism.. Max was badly tortured by the Gestapo in the early 30s then found his way to Australia where he met the novelist Alex Miller (although at the time they met Alex was only an ‘aspiring’ novelist.. he has now published over five novels as well as other works of none fiction.) The torture broke something in Max and it is only some years after his death that Alex goes to Berlin in pursuit of his life story…the following quote from Holocaust Survivor and suicide victim, Jean Avery spoke to me

“Whoever has succumbed to torture can no longer feel at home in the world”

Alex Miller felt that those two years of torture at the hands of the Gestapo make Max feel a stranger in the world.. I could not help but think then of how abuse marks our lives and sets us apart.. There are, perhaps, less extreme kind of torture but still in so many ways they break our linkages and trust, as well as ou sense of safety, and force us inwards, often on a deeply spiritual quest.

For myself I have to make the attempt to put my focus on good things, healing energies, encouraging things, on light, on love and on em-power-ment.. I need to know there is always a way to bring some sunshine into my life.. much of it depends upon how I treat myself and what I even tell myself about my own past or life experience and position… for too long I blamed myself.. I see now why I felt the need to retreat and I also realize how much an unnecessary fear of rejection has stymied me.. I wish I knew earlier in my life not to take rejection so personally.. In the talk on Self Love I shared from R C Blakes yesterday he spoke of how he was rejected as a younger man and how that forced him to turn within and towards God’s unconditional love.. That is the Sun force (as I see it) that the Archangel Micheal ‘gave’ to me symbolically yesterday.

The truth is humans are flawed, many are deeply split, some of them are so full of self rejection but it will not appear as that.. it may appear as ambition or hard line theories, or as a sense of superiority over others.. But we must work hard to be more savvy and not to fooled. by such people who may only want to diminish, misjudge or tear us down.

As a wise friend of mine just wrote to me a while ago in a comment, people cannot reject you they can only reject a part of themselves they have not made a peaceful relationship or connection with.. This was most certainly true in my last damaging relationship.. He filled me full of what R C Blakes calls ‘toxic free radical thoughts’. I took those in and felt I had failed but the truth was I was just not loved unconditionally by someone with his own deep wounds he really had no desire to address and so often projected.

I do believe something similar is going on with ‘Scott’. But in the end no one can give us a sense of self love we do not feel. No one can be our perpetual source of sunlight.. Only our Higher Self and Power or inner Divine Essence connection can do that.. So when clouds obscure the Sun, that is the most important time ever to do the work of sensing what lies hidden behind them that we most long for and is freely available to our mind and heart.. This is where meditation and ‘conscious contact’ with HP spoken of in AA’s 11th Step works best in our lives. The more we learn to turn towards and bask in this perpetual light the happier, stronger and more peaceful we begin to feel.

With torture, we soon reach a point at which the nervous system is overwhelmed and no longer registers physical pain (dissociation.) The mind is more resilient than the body, however, and it is in this condition that the struggle enters another dimension and becomes a mental struggle, in which we fight to know if our thoughts are a prelude to despair and death or that we have reached a supreme clarity about the true nature of the human condition, a place beyond good and evil, a clarity whose existence, we have never before suspected.

Max’s words about his experience of torture
quoted in the book Max by Alex Miller