Tolerating difficult (messy) emotions.

Sometimes I notice I only want to be part of things that do not push me out of my comfort zone, and at times I am not going easy on myself for having mixed up feelings or emotions due both to my past trauma as well as the fact that having them is both natural as well as proof that I am just an imperfect human

After reading Cynthia Bailey Rug’s post on the negative aspect of gratitude last night, it made me realise how many times I was told to think a different way about my own trauma or given the idea that I was being ‘difficult’ for calling attention to things in the family that hurt, were lacking in empathy or needed to be addressed. Another tactic used was to have someone divert attention from the real issue or hurt and be told it was not that important, that I needed ‘to lighten up’, or to focus on something else or just be grateful when I wasn’t.

Last night on The Drum which is a political/current affairs talk show that airs on our national Broadcaster The ABC I was listening to a young indigneous woman who had to take her uncle to court for sexual abuse. She was of course made to feel bad by the family, or at least they tried to paint her as a ‘trouble maker’ (her words.) This really resonated for me and echoed how I have often been treated by both my mother and my brother as well as this living sister at times.

I have shared before that the astrologer Stephen Forrest writes in his book on Pluto that people with the planet in their first house are, from childhood, the natural truth tellers with a keen eye for hypocrisy or ‘smelling a rat’ and often they are demonized for it.. According to Forrest, a good use of this placement in later life may be to be an investigative journalist or truth seeker or teller, the one who stands up to abuse and will even intervene to do something when it is happening or at the very least not remain silent.. A good friend of mine who is also an Aquarian and I were talking about this the other week, we both agreed that we can and do often step in if we see someone hurting a child or even a woman being abused. I have done it in supermarkets and in public places at times.. That said our own wounds may tend to make us more proactive and vocal. Sadly the truth teller may be shut down or become the exile….. just look at Julian Assange.. This happened in childhood to my older sister who ended up incapacitated later in life, she ended up exiled from the family too. It has also happened to me when I have opened up about intense and emotional things with family. .. In fact, in time, I did become fearful about being real.. that part of me still lives on but sometimes I still try to cover it over.

Anyway I have diverged I was also listening to a woman with expertise on childrearing and education this morning who was being interviewed on the subject of helping kids to take risks instead of overprotecting them from life. In the interview she was saying that it is far better for a parent to let a child have a tantrum or an intense emotional reaction to something, in order that they can then learn to process, integrate, understand and regulate their emotions.. Instead, if the parent tries to shut the anger or emotion down what is the message they are giving their child? That anger is not to be tolerated, that it is not acceptable, that the child should just put it away? And this tolerating of difficult or intense emotions by parents did not only relate to anger but to other difficult emotions such as fear, grief, disappointment, pain or sadness. In many cases I have seen parents try to shut the child down with food or sweets.

Sadly I think at times besides leaving me all alone with big emotions Mum also tried to over protect me in life and let me rest too long in a comfort zone, that said at other times she pushed me out and away from her, maybe fearing after my father died that her own grief may have prevented me living in some way.. I do not know as Mum is no longer alive to talk about this with.. That said today’s interview made me realize that learning to tolerate difficult emotions is so important to our emotional maturation. When said emotions are shamed or we are told to put them aside or pretend they do not exist it is not only bad for our emotional health, but for our physical health as well. Not developing the capacity to tolerate intense or difficult emotion both in our self and others also limits our capacity for deep empathy and true emotional attunement.

In my view repressive societies, institutions or families work to shut aspects of their members down.. Self expression when limited may then turn into festering resentment or rage. It may convert into auto immune and other neurological and muscular related disorders such as Parkinsons. Much as we can be told to harbor resentment over something is ‘bad’ it seems to me it only becomes so when the person becomes frozen or blocked over and over by some force either outwardly imposed or inwardly internalized..

In astrology the planet Mars relates to self assertion and anger.. It is said to serve the Sun which represents our life essence, urge and solar purpose. Astrologer Liz Greene states that a healthy Mars forces allows us to know what we like, need,value and want and to go for it. It may also bring the capacity to tolerate discomfort or frustration for a time, to reign in an impulse that may get us in trouble, just as long as we do not deny to ourselves the truth of what we wanted and needed or of how we genuinely felt.

Even if we don’t get want we need and want we should work to ensure that our wants and needs are not effectively derailed or frustrated at every turn, or that we bury them too much to make ‘nice’ with those who have a vested interest in turning us into monsters if we do not toe their line.. Being able to handle the discomfort of others lack of approval may also be a very very very necessary for many of us derailed in childhood in this way to develop. There may be a lot of difficult and painful emotion to meet and allow along our healing journey if so much of us got split off within, just as Cynthia shared in that excellent post of hers that I reblogged yesterday.. I thank her a lot for sharing that perspective with us.