Loving the things I love

My bloody inner critic gives me the shits at times with his relentless hammering. He makes my life miserable and negative in fact last night I dreamed a toilet was flooding over with big turds in it. Thus was after a day poor old Jasper got violently brushed after making a huge mess after digging in the garden.. it made me cry later and today in therapy I told Kat how compulsive my reaction was. Poor innocent dog only doing what dogs do and this was, in many ways, a reminder in reverse of how childhood was for me.

Then I was getting it in the neck frim the IC for having bought too many books I’ve not read (yet!!). Bloody hell today I started two of them and they are brilliant interesting reads. Why the hell yesterday I was giving myself a hard time about them beats me..apart from the fact I got criticized for reading too much by family. Later in life Mum loved to read.

Today I’m just letting myself bask in the sunlight of things I love. I’m allowing myself to be in two minds whether to be part of this family meeting for my sister. My therapist seems to feel I am frightened of how I’d be received but the truth is I’m not a fan or follower of the medical model of mental illness, favoring a more insightful therapeutic approach. So why try so hard to go where I don’t belong?

Despite this I fear for my sister lacking a voice as she is or any sense of power right now. I truly am torn. It could be a case of analysis paralysis but the truth is my anxiety is less when I allow myself to be alone and just follow my unique path without forcing it on others or family.

Maybe its just enough at the moment to enjoy my life as much as I can without complicating it with other people’s problems. Somehow I manage to get myself entangled in some messy and dubious situations…and the fear is I’m not enough on my own which is just not true. All along my sister made choices…in the end the outcome of her decisions never was in my hands. In addition, the more focus I put on her the unhappier my life becomes, if being there takes me away from joy, peace, grace and serenity then why not just hand it all over to God or higher power? I will keep praying and do my very best to focus on loving the things I love that bring my heart and soul peace and joy right now.. It really is okay to feel good and to take a step back.