I wait for myself

I wait for myself on the side of an empty road.. I know I will be arriving soon and I also know how much joy I am finally going to feel to be reunited with myself.. it seems I have been missing myself for the longest time now but I am also beginning to understand that this separation from myself has been necessary, to remember the entirety of my life..

Yesterday I wept in therapy telling Kat about how the Raven master at the Tower of London spoke with such longing about the desire to fly, when he witnesses those magnificent birds – the Ravens – in full flight. Something in his desire opens my heart to a deeper truth, it reminds me of all of those dreams of flying I had when young. If I could fly I could escape your hurting hands, I could rise above the pain you caused me but I also lost my ground in some way too from my body becoming finally after the crash far too painful to fully inhabit..

Now I long for this body as I relive in my body all of the hurts, all of the furies, all of the struggle, all of the abandonments….. Being left by the side of the road in Portland and also in Queensland without a single possession while my two Capricorn lovers drove off, one came back but the other just left me. In a way it may have been my fault as I stormed off in anger after being triggered in some way by something mean they did. .. see even now, its hard not to blame myself for how others responded to me in my hurt, frustration or anger.

Today I can fly over the scene of the crash where I nearly died, I can see my body as it was broken, lacerated and bleeding, I can feel myself struggling for air as paramedics come from behind me and I can recall waking up on the lonely late June afternoon 26 years later with a paramedic hovering over me.. with searing pain through all of my head.. I see the bloodstains on my curtains and on some of the walls, I think of the dream where I was pushing back walls that closed in, I think of how over past nights I found myself in my small toilet doing the same, struggling to live, struggling to rise, struggling to be me as I really am.

As I stand on the side of the road I watch myself coming towards me, gee I have aged, my long hair is now all short on one side from all of the spins and the anxiety but I am smiling, there are tears too but they are honest tears, and there is love too, even for every single member of my family who hurt me, because lately I see they were only human too, none of it was intentional and even if it was, how sad..

All of the love I ever needed I feel for the self coming towards me, as soon as she comes close enough I am going to reach for her hand, look deeply into her eyes and say to her the words I so long to say, that she so longs to hear.

“Welcome back to earth, my love, I love you.”