Breathe and let it go : morning reflections

Reading a powerful post on somatic releasing of pent up trauma just got me to thinking of how chronic my own muscular tensing can be.. and the old pattern for me instead of letting go and focusing deeper into the release of the breath is to hold it in or stop the breath (often unconsciously) and tense my muscles.. that said when I get so locked up due to current triggers sometimes voluntary tensing helps to release for me. I am also doing a lot more yoga practice lately because this chronic tensing and holding was causing me so so much pain.

A moment ago I went to do something that got blocked, my normal response would have been to get angry and frustrated and force harder but instead I just did a mental check to let it go, I accepted it was not to be at that moment and stepped it back instead of forcing some thing.. That helped me. I got instantly calmer and I decided to back home, deal with the issue later on.. This may be happening now as I am learning to be not as hard on myself I am really getting insights lately into how hard I often try to compensate for feelings of low self worth.. And the understanding is coming is that I do not really need to add anything to myself or acquire anything, I just need to allow myself to be me and find my own unique rhythm..

Maybe as younger child in a far older family I was always trying to adapt and to be noticed, now its seeming far more important that I notice myself and I can also allow myself to need something.. I think as I grew I began to associate needing anything with helplessness so it was better for me to cut off the need than to admit that I had it.. I was also told a lot as a child I did not need things I needed and in many ways I became needless and wantless but then my needs went in the wrong direction..

It is taking me years of inner work, therapy and introspection to sort this one out.. Its taking me years to realize its okay to have needs and that I DO HAVE THE POWER AS AN ADULT TO FIND WAYS TO GET THEM MET. This is far healthier than burying the need and even if a need doesnt get met at least I have’t denied the truth. I am big enough to take the hurt or frustration of that and now it does not feel as global or absolute…. there may be another opportunity down the road. I never quite got that before, being hurt or frustrated felt so absolute and so so deeply painful

Anyway for what is worth these are some of my current realizations.. I also had a lovely call from my sister yesterday, this is a real sign she is turning the corner and she needed something of me and I felt happy to give it.. that was a good thing, so often I saw other’s needs as an imposition due to my own never being met.. this feels like growth for me.. I learned to avoid and deny so much in my life, I am seeing that now, it led me to a deeply deeply lonely place where I often judged others out of fear. I do not need to do that as much now..and people I am around now or choosing to be around do not feel as unsafe as they used to.. That too makes life a whole lot more peaceful, relaxing and happier.