I’ve been through so so much and setting boundaries has not been easy!

I punish myself so much at times. It resonated yesterday reading a chapter in Glennin Doyle’s book Untamed in which she shared how hard she tried to be ‘good’ after getting sober. But this goodness was about conditioning more than hard won inner power and authenticity. Eventually she had to let go of so much to find her true self and stop struggling so hard to be good.

For me not being ‘good’ meant being exiled, sent away, rejected, shamed, sent to my room and after my Dad died and those two first oh so secret hidden abortions Mum judged me and sent me away again. Repeating this in 2005 after Jonathan gave up and walked out I took myself away again but it was my urge to be fully alive as me propelling me on that trip..I crashed and burned again possibly due to still having the first crash trauma kicking away inside of me and as Kat my therapist often points out I had a lot of problems with emotional containment due to my childhood, thus all of those accidents.

In AA we were told anger was bad but our emotions are information, are neither good or bad, as Kat reminds me over and over anger shows where violation occurs and has occurred. It often shows where we need to set boundaries. Holding a firm boundary for me as a codependent came at times with almost obliterating abandonment fear and terror. Was it any wonder?

Today I got angry with Scott. He was pushing past a boundary. I am not collapsing it. I just can’t. I’m not going to be the good girl. I’d rather be real. To reclaim our soul we have to know what hurts and is not good for us and we need our lion’s roar (not always with the other person but deep inside our soul).

Today as I fought to establish that boundary in my traumatized body I did what Angel intuitive Kyke Grey calls the venom breath. It helped me to expell that righteous anger so I don’t keep suppressing my authentic NO and truth. This is a big victory for me. Too many times I gave up myself to be loved or felt I had to try harder just as Glennon did..but in the end the cost was too high. I’m just not willing to pay it anymore. I want my freedom and I’m am so sick to death of trying harder because I secretly blame myself or feel unearned shame for traumas I played no part in creating.