The wounded masculine

He does not always show in my dreams but when a wounded masculine figure appears I know it says a lot not only about me but about those I have been surrounded by.. I do believe in the power of dream images. Before Jonathan and I left to live back in the UK I had a dream where we were with his family. All three of his sisters and his Mum where there in a circle in a room and lying on the floor at the center was a young man with his penis cut off, he was bleeding from the wound and in the dream it was I who was to lay my hands on him and heal him.. This dream spoke of my life and involvement with their family but even more so was psychic information about Jonathan’s Dad and family too, they lost him around the same time as my father died both from cancer and his mother and father’s relationship was not a happy one.

So when the wounded man with the gunshot in his shoulder appeared in my dream last night it made sense, having spent time with my sister yesterday and feeling that deep void around her this image made sense too, often I think of what she may be carrying from Mum’s side of the ancestral lineage, she feels unable to call her younger son who has recently had a baby and he keeps very remote too. Its a lot to heal and I do not know it ever will.. In fact on Saturday by some act of divine intervention I ran into a couple who know my sis well and have been so concerned about what she has been going through in past months but felt powerless to help as she told them to to visit and then complained to me yesterday that they had not visited.. as it is after this latest round of ECT she is not remembering a lot of things.. I hate how it has disabled her and reduced her so much.. But I also got this message from my angels earlier today in regards to the dream that it is not mine to shoulder this burden and wound for the rest of my life. If Scott finally gets out of Africa later this week something will have broken open and I want my chance at happiness..

Much as I can cry for my sister I also know I want to be happy.. I have been reliving very strongly the impact of the two crashes over the past four days. I also woke in the middle of the night on Saturday reliving my birth.. Mum held me back to do some housework and would not leave for the hospital until she finished bottling plum jam. Apparently when I was born I came through in a rush, and since the ascendant rules our birth point and Mars in Leo is only 5 degrees off it right now its no surprise i have been feeling all of this building intensity especially around my head, neck, brainstem and heart.. There was so much blood on Saturday and even this afternoon, my body feel like it had a bloodbath going on inside and my nose has been running with blood.. it seems to have eased though after reliving a lot in therapy earlier today…

When you crash like that and wake up some time after impact the memory is mercifully erased but your body remembers.. If I am ever in the car and another car comes too close to mine I get this surge of panic and rush almost as if the car has hit me.. same if I ever hit my head which can happen frequently or did in the past.. today sitting on the chair in Kats I was back there feeling my lungs drowning in fluid and struggling to breathe after the full force of being slammed against the steering wheel and cut into everywhere with pieces of car engine..

Tonight I feel calm.. I know I have broken through something majorly intense since the weekend. Just seeing those friends of my sister and family and being to offload some of the stress really helped and to be heard and received as well as encouraged to take care of myself well it all just means so much to me. As Kat said to me in therapy today lately I am really connecting with others in a way it has not always been possible before with both my anxious and avoidant attachment issues..

I have also been breaking through the avoidant trust issue with Scott a lot over recent weeks. ..and I see where it has played a part in making past relationships very hard.. That said my pattern was to attract emotionally unavailable partners that could not really see me or just wanted me to stay shut down. My family also made it very difficult for me at times to express the pain and emotions of all the trauma I endured.. not all family but definately my Mum and brother and sister, when I looked to them so often they turned away.. but thankfully I finally found good therapeutic help in 2016 with Katina.. she has been so instrumental in allowing the whole of me expression and in helping me to see how powerful is the hold of my shaming inner critic..

The truth is I am not broken even despite all of my trauma, I have just had to carry so so so much alone at times its no wonder that I have not nearly shattered under the heavy weight of it at times and yes those two impacts did disable the out in the world masculine side of me so much.. much as making friends with my feminine side to the point I can feel more comfortable in my body has been a challenge feeling I have the right to fully be me and express and assert myself has been even more challenging.. The fear has often been there that if I try to come alive I may die.. and that if I dare to go after what I want it will be denied me.. and that is not necessarily true at all. Even stronger is the powerful fear I also have around expressing any anger at all. Even when family hurt me or were cruel I would try to connect and apologize, they made me feel to blame but I never was.. I just was surrounded by a lot of people who somehow felt threatened by my attempts to be fully myself, fully capable of healthy self assertive protest and honest emotional expression.