A productive busy day

I have not had such a busy day in a long time. There were so many things I needed to do for others today and I managed them all despite my anxiety. I also managed to walk Jasper, do shopping for a birthday gift and get the things my sister needed, I also made the drive to visit my sister.. she is looking so slow at the moment.. and her friend was there and her son arrived shortly after me but he ended up doing a lot of the talking, still how nice for her to have all of these visitors.. I hope it made her feel valued and loved and she is always so appreciative of people visiting now. I was asking a lot of questions of my nephew who is constantly on the go with sport and cross fit and the kids and work., I was also worried that I talked so so much and was made aware of so many worldly things i do not know.. To be honest it all felt a little empty for my sister as she was very quiet even as nice as it was so see everyone together, it just made me more aware of how different all of our lives are.

I also got triggered a bit when the subject of parenting came up.. My nephew and his wife are younger parents and they are really there for their kids but there is also a lot of focus on the physical, on sports and adrenaline rushes with the kind of cycling they do but those children never come home to an empty house and they do not know what it is not to have parents there for them. The subject of older parents came up and I got a bit vocal about how unfair I think it can be to have children later in life if you are not going to be there for them, but even after I was speaking I realized it was generalization and involved a lot of projections of my own pain. One of my school friends had an older father but he was far more engaged with her and now she is in a happy marriage with children, something I have never managed.

Anyway I am not going to dismiss my path or my life, it was nice to do things to help my sister like take personal items she needs, some juicy mandarins and photo frame for the photo of her granddaughter that has been sitting beside he bed for many weeks and was getting all warped. and when it came time to go (after nearly two hours) she said she didn’t want me to go and also told me that she loved me again… so things are on the improve, apart from me being a little like a maniac this morning with Jasper as I had to get out and then calling Scott to task because I got scared again that this last lot of help may end in disappointment for both of us.. Only time will tell. But at times I get a bit twisted out of shape at all of the efforts I have to put in and then reading back on the way I can feel I see that its not the best view to take. Why not just be grateful I am now able to connect as much as I can. and that I survived two crashes and DID NOT DIE.. As Scott so often says to me lets just be grateful we are still alive.. It really is a long way away from where I ended up 12 years ago after my last partner dumped me.

I am taking a very good friend out for her birthday tomorrow, I bought Michelle Obama’s autobiography for her this year.. I hope she has not read it.. it was so good to be more engaged in life the past week, reaching out to connect and spend time, I also got to learn a little more about my older brother today from my nephew as he is designing his new house and Ryan explained just how much mental work is involved in such a project, just the ability to conceptualize things in three D and having to work within the configuration of the block of land as well as considerations of something called the solar envelope which concerns where light falls in relation to the way you build your property according to its height and elevation and orientation, well it all made sense of those three planets of my brother’s in Virgo and how he falls short on the emotional side at times, being just so busy.. Best to have compassion and nothing has been too much trouble for him helping Ryan and Amy so that comes out of a lot of kindness.

Scott and I had a bit of a clash last night, the Commanding Officer called him away and I assumed the worst.. I said to him a moment ago its just the way my mind works, it tends to go to dark place, lets not be angry or argue he said.. good solution with Mars opposing my Moon I was very angry earlier on I need to watch it as Mars moves on to oppose all of my other planets over the next few weeks, but thankfully soon it will clear the 12th house.. Its the 17th anniversary of my head injury in a week so this time of year is full on with my body.. It came up in the latest text-a-thon between S and me.

My therapist always reminds me how important it is to go easy around anniversaries. the events leading up to the second crash were very much on my mind today I had argued with a friend who was banging pots during a phone conversation and she hung up, she never forgave me and then I had the crash.. Anger is scary for me. I know I need to to get me moving at times, like today I knew I had to get out first before walking Jasper and so yelled at him but I made sure to get home before seeing Sue to take him on a long walk and to kick the ball around at the park, somehow today, by some miracle I managed to fit a lot in and I didn’t die.. the threat of death hangs over me every day crazy at it may seem to someone who does not suffer PTSD.. hard to explain but true.. but at the end of the day I managed all I set out to do.. so big pat on the back for me today.. (uh oh am I sounding too Mars in Leoey??? Lol!!)