Why?

My heart is exploding out of my chest…I spent about an hour and a half with my sister. She isn’t remembering things following all of this ECT treatment..she forgot I visited her last Sunday. She is not remembering conversations. And while memories can bring pain, as i experienced this week at least I can have them. She was so soft though she held my hand when I started crying about this. She told me not to cry but I truly cannot explain how and why I react as I do, well the impact on my body of seeing her it like a torrent or deluge bursts out of me while I feel the vice connected with the true horror of what seems to be happening to her. When I got home I called a very good friend of hers who agreed it’s barbaric and she just let me cry, During that conversation it came up that I feel guilt for letting this happen to her.. but our friend was trying to assure me that it isnt my fault..

This is how the bloody psychiatric profession erases the inner landscape of a persons into a flat arid lifeless plane..I thought while crying it’s how children of dementia sufferers must feel when the parent disappears inwardly. My sister is still there to connect to though and her enduring all of this well it just makes me love her more and realize how important it is to be there and show love but being in that place it is so so so surreal.

There was not a lot of conversation but we did connect and towards the end as I told her how hard I found it to leave I gave her a huge hug…she was laboring to breathe the whole time but as we stayed like that heart to heart I felt my individual self disappear..it was my sister and I as one. I’ve eaten so badly today..and swallowed down two coffees…just got home to greet Jasper who has been alone for most of the day.

Why? How does it come to this? Zombification all in the name of so called ‘mental health’. Shutting down a person in this way it all seems just too cruel and unfathomable for words. Later I just screamed my lungs out and Jasper was really worried but I know when I get like this he seems to understand.. he doesnt even run away.it all makes me feel so so helpless and sad.. The feelings of anger did pass once I got to vent them.. I am just glad I have therapy tomorrow.