The mystery of emotional neglect and abandonment

I wrote this a few days ago…Didn’t post it then Just some further insights to the loneliness I felt in childhood and as a teenager.

I read a post from someone that really resonated last night, it was about how he moved as a young child and life became more difficult and isolated. The person was treated with lack of empathy and sensitivity but he did manage to make a new friend which was the thing that saved him. It resonated for me having gone through something similar when I was 7. I still find friendships challenging due to my anxious and avoidant attachment but this post helped me to understand how much of it others endure and how deep and difficult the abandonment wounds can be.

In the comment exchange he spoke of how his pain seems to be a mystery to many and this is the spark for this post, those who were not neglected or emotionally abandoned, those who had at least one parent, sibling or aunt who was empathic often just will not get the depth of our wounding, they may also judge us or make it feel like it was our fault.. This most certainly happened in my last relationship. That said these early wounds are ours to carry and to unearth in therapy or by giving them air, along with the fears that should we become vulnerable with another human we will be hurt or rejected again then take the risk to get close.

Close to tears writing this.. I have my pupster now and he and I are close, sometimes with humans I risk again but even with family I know they will only judge me and rather than reach out to me out of empathy, stay remote. I do continue to try knowing if its my wound I have to take the responsibility but at times it feels like a tough call.

Emotional abandonment and neglect do leave a rust on the soul. My own is carried down from both parents and this time of day 3 to 5 pm is especially difficult for me. Lately too I think of how in running out on my husband around this time of year in 2002 I made him carry the pain of what i went through too.. for some reason it was hard to feel his love and care and I often was told I just needed to get over stuff or his family judged me. But maybe they needed too. Maybe I was made too cold or remote by my background and the lack of consistent available nurturing.. sometimes it scares me. I think people sense my coldness but when I say this to Kat she just tells me its the inner critic..

Still to have longed for love and empathy and attunement and closeness and to consistently not achieved it is hard.. In time we have to do the difficult work of being there for that part of us from a consistent available adult self… we need to see the depth of our wounding and take it seriously while not allowing it to trap us endlessly in a prison or ‘story’ that would not allow our hearts to open and expand and develop an inner circle or circumference of trust and safety..Lately am saying this affirmation to myself over and over and over again.

I am safe

I am loved

I am protected

not all.people may be safe, kind or empathic to us as we are but when we become stronger in a sense of inner knowing and safety we come to.understand there is a foundation we are building inside that is deep enough to hold, bear, witness and contain it all.

For so long due to my Complex PTSD this has not seemed at all true, but maybe its never too late to change the inner script or self talk.