Posted on

So distressing

I had the most distressing visit to my sister since her suicide attempt in 2013, when I got there she was on the bed sucking in her breath with her hands pinched and clasping at the air like pincers. I tried to help her to breathe but it was not easy for her at all.. I tried to just be with her, but to be honest I was both frightened and so overwhelmed by it.. I ran some warm water onto a face cloth and tried to hold this as gently to her face as I could and put on some face moisturizer as her lips all looked so cracked and try. A psychiatric nurse came in after about 15 minutes and by that time I encouraged her to stand after she told me she couldn’t and I had that vivid reminder of Mum’s second last night alive, of how she was struggling to stand in similar state of agitation and so another nurse and I helped her to stand up right..

In time I encouraged my sister to go out into the garden but to be honest by this time I was too overcome with tears and feelings of grief and helplessness. To be honest I could only manage to stay just over an hour.. It was all just so painful to witness her like this and at time she was looking at me like a wild animal who had been wounded and was saying ‘please help me’ but when I asked her how I could help she could not answer. At another point later on she said to me ‘they are trying to kill me’. I hated to walk out of there.. I just did not know what else to do I was so distressed when I got home I had to call Lifeline and to be honest I cried through most of the call.

For some reason I struggle to keep my emotions separate and detach.. it all just seems so hopeless and overwhelming what is happening to her lately.. feel just so shattered and exhausted tonight. A friend I spoke to said there was nothing I can do and to be honest toward the end of my time there as my sister was having episodes of sitting up out of the extreme state of anxiety she was in and flicking specks of dust and lint off the sheets off the bed (during which time she actually looked a lot like my Mum when she got a bit OCD with cleaning and mess), she also said, to the sheets.”no one can help me” and I just started crying and saying “no maybe we can only love you”. Maybe that is the truth, maybe it is not possible for me to help my sister at all. But gosh its painful to admit that powerlessness, so so painful.

Unknown's avatar

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Uncategorized19 Comments

19 thoughts on “So distressing”

  1. Frightening Deb, and under the circumstances you did very well … I hope things have settled down, and you’ll be able to have a peaceful rest tonight .. ((Hugs)) from Ivor .. 😍

    Like

    Reply

  3. This sounds so painful. I imagine you are right no one can help or save her but loving and accepting her unconditionally is powerful. As heartbreaking as it is for everyone maybe it’s okay how she feels. All of her emotions can be accepted. None are problems. I really don’t know, such a difficult situation. I am praying for you and your sister. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thats what I felt today. there is some cry of distress in her, some way she is not being heard there.. it waslike a very young baby in her tummy was crying out for its absent mother.. The emotional truth is so hard to articulate.. I don’t know the answer all I can do is love her.. I really feel my deep inadequacy around all of this right now.. I am leaning on prayer tonight..In some ways its all too big for me.. to be honest.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. So very difficult and heartbreaking. I do believe you are doing a beautiful thing for her by loving her and being there for her. Even if at times you feel it’s inadequate. I imagine the Mother she seeks is within.

        I see your love and hope for your sister. And your effort to be there for her through it all.

        Make sure your Inner Mother is there for you too. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve read something in parenting that has always spoken to me and comes to my mind now, “I am here. I hear you (or your pain, sadness, etc). What can I do to help?”. And even in that final line sometimes the answer may be nothing. But still I feel so much love in the simple sitting with where someone is, that gentle accepting presence “I’m here, I hear you.”

    But truly the situation sounds so difficult and painful. I don’t mean to be telling you what you should do or anything. I have no idea. I feel your love for your sister guides you beautifully. Just sharing some words that have spoken to my heart and may speak to yours too. Sending so much love for you and your sister ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I sat with her for a long time looking into her eyes and placing my hands gently on her and i did ask her how I could help.. she could not articulate and answer. It was like a drowning person trying to find a life raft…. it was so hard to leave her.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and love..

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Leave a comment