Raw nerve

Some things really touch you in a deep place when you hear them, often it may be a line out of a movie or a poem someone wrote that somehow just seems to capture an experience you lived and suddenly you find yourself tearing up.. I just had one of those moments watching the movie, Otherhood which concerns the relationship three mothers have with their sons, in their own struggles and their own attempts to relate, often making many mistakes and bad steps along the path. The line of dialogue is particularly moving as it involves one of the mothers finally getting where her son is, how much he is struggling and her deciding not to advise but just validate and wish him well. The line is

Daniel, you have been under the water for so long now

When you come up you need to decide what it is you really want.

It struck me on two levels, one the underwater aspect having felt myself to be submerged or drowning, struggling for air and to surface so often, the second in facing those moments of stark clarity where you see some of your less desirable qualities or attributes and as you watch your own self struggle to know what it really is you want and whether or not its wantable or achievable at all.

Struggling with self judgement can be so difficult at times. I get hits of it every day often around the house being in a ‘state’ with stuff all over the place and me feeling I possibly made the day harder by some choice, that said there are then the good choices you make, today it was to get out for that late walk, as tired as I felt and making the choice to risk engaging with a couple of women at the local oval with their dogs. Turns out I connected with one of the ladies and that really brightened my day as earlier I was undergoing that guilt over not having made it to see my sister today, on the back of some really worrying news that my brother told me yesterday. The psychiatrist is trying to wash her hands of my sister and telling her there will not be a bed for her much longer at the hospital… I think of my sister under water right now too.. I feel fear over decisions this son now living here will make about what happens to my sister, I struggle with knowing if get involved or do not get involved. And then some days I just feel sad about it.

Anyway it helps to put some of this down on the page.. Luckily I got my WordPress issue sorted earlier by emailing them.. They advised me I needed to clear my browser cache on the computer and then log out and in again.. That worked.. Usually in life there is some kind of solution I can find, and sometimes it involves asking for help and MOST IMPORTANTLY reaching out.. It sad for me when my sister becomes so ill that she cannot do this.. I will go and see her tomorrow..

The day is ending in a peaceful place..I love the dusk… and its good to know that even when those raw nerves get hit in time the feeling passes on.. Sometimes I get worried about fixating on my trauma but maybe its just okay to notice that like all things this fixation comes and goes, and I am hoping when Mars finally clears out of my 12th house in six weeks I may have some more clearer ideas about what I want and what effective steps I can make to make each day brighter.