Extracting the wisdom of past lessons, reactions and cycles : daily update

For me planet of action Mars entered the 12th house yesterday and to be honest I have sensed the approach of this.. The entire time it has been in Cancer I have been experiencing a lot of intense memories and longings as well as emotional storms and I have the Moon Mars conjunction natally (in my birthchart) present with Saturn in Aquarius.. Mars Saturn aspects have been said to be like driving a car with the breaks on. So often as a child I was held back, locked in a room, left all alone in the car, or abandoned emotionally in some way.. While from an attachment point of view this has been problematic, from an imaginative and creative point of view it forced me inwards.. The feeling of not belonging to humans but to nature and possibly more at home with animals and birds has been a big part of it.. but it also speaks of a lot of pent up energy I have not always felt that safe or confidently capable of expressing in the world.

In therapy yesterday I was recalling the transit of Saturn through the 12th which is said to be a time of dissolution in our lives when a lot of ‘deaths’ or endings come but this is as a precursor to a new phase beginning when it enters the 1st house..This was true for me.. my marriage ended during that transit and our home was sold and I moved back into the family holiday house and then went overseas and crashed.. Life is not always easy with 12th house transits but a lot is going on inwardly. With Mars in the 12th we have less extraverted energy, dreams can be powerful (I noticed this last night) and we can get to see things and reactions as well as patterns from the past that kind of fall into place or from a new perspective. For me, this week, it has had to do with wounding from disorganised and anxious attachment which often led me to become angry and avoidant when hurt. And to fester in a bit of resentment that then led to injuries.

In my last relationship (Saturn had entered the 1st house by then) my ex often walked out on me when I could not ‘find my words’. I see now that I was effectively a child emotionally speaking, I lacked the capacity to articulate anything and Mum was like this and my Dad just was the silent type who took himself off and when he died it felt difficult for me too. I am grateful that over the past few years I have felt my father very close to me in spirit. He has explained a lot to me and reminded me he did love me but did not really know how to show it in active way that did not block or hurt me.. Gabor Mate was speaking yesterday about his own problems with parenting well due to his own neglect.. As a child we tend to blame ourselves for the parents difficulties or deficits in relating, we can also get stuck in what Jungian therapist Edward Edinger calls a ‘coagulated’ relationship with the parental archetype or force field.. either maternal or paternal..and if the experience was negative reject positive aspects or approaches from our parents or those we bring into our lives to play that role in seeking to heal or fill the psychic ‘holes’ or arrests and deficits.

For me this relates to Sun square Neptune, in my late childhood and early adolesence Dad was off somewhere remote, often looking the other way but somehow sensing me while not really knowing how to attune to me at all.. and then coming down hard following those difficult years of trauma that spanned the ages of 17 to 22 for me.. He then died.

The Sun relates both to our inner self in the chart as well as the father but also to a spiritual connection.. I gain a lot these days by sitting out in the early morning sun and feelings its warmth absorbed into my body, this is how it may have felt to have been adored by a present father who saw me.. maybe this happened when I was baby and fell away later.. I do not know but these days I have to try to work with the deficits.. When I can get into that warm attuned, receptive space lately I can hear voices of positivity and encouragement talking to me.. they can supplant the negative voices that stepped in due to Dad punishing me for things I actually need empathy or support with.

I also found myself getting angry a couple of times this morning.. First it was with Jasper who chose to run off after the cleaner did his final shift.. I was finding it hard knowing it was his last day as we have started to grow quite attached over the past few months.. I took myself off for a walk as he was about to finish as I got all of these head rushes before he arrived.. He ended up waving goodbye to me from a distance.. then Jasper ran off and that made me cross.. I then got cross with drivers on the road which is a bit silly really but I just noticed it and thought.. here we go Mars in the 12th lessons.. not really looking forward to when it begins to oppose the Mars Saturn Moon stuff in mid June but anyway, I obviously find saying goodbye a bit difficult.

I had a lovely outing to the lake earlier and that filled my heart with joy and peace I also got a couple more photos of my new great grand niece sent to me..that meant a lot.. I will go out later and look for a gift to send up… But at the moment I am well advised to make the most that I can of my quiet time and am looking forward to keeping an eye on my dreams.. winter is closing in on us here anyway right now, the days are vibrant, crisp, windy and sunny.. it feels like a good time to read, write and reflect.. make some nice soup, light the fire and watch something enjoyable on tele.. I really do feel grateful for my life right now.. I have a lovely man in my life who I hope to be meeting soon.. I have connections with one or two people who are checking in about my sister in a very loving way.. I have a beautiful community of fellow bloggers who bring my soul such happiness, warmth and inspiration.. all in all today is a good day.. a good day to be cosy and inwardly centered while I count my blessings and watch my reaction patterns for old woundings emerging so to learn more productive ways to react in future.