Lately I am seeing my own denial. I try to re-frame my past and look for the good in certain members of my family but the truth is they are not present at all to me..I do not have a real relationship with them.. I heard someone say the other day, a person makes time for who and what is important to them.. This is the truth.. It is confusing people always making excuses to you as to why they failed to do the thing they said they would or even get in touch.. with the saying “I was just too busy!” I remember Buddhist teacher Pema Chodran saying that when someone said this to a famous lama he retorted with the saying “too busy to live life”. We could also say we live in a ‘too busy’ society. There are always things more important (seemingly) than reaching out to say hi and offer support or just offer some attention, appreciation, emotional empathy, connection and care. Just possibly this does not bother other people as much as it does the highly sensitive or chronically emotionally neglected but this evening I have honestly been crying my eyes out over it. The truth is I have to face the reality where certain people are concerned, hard as I try to connect they will continue to ignore or not do as they promised, in this case they show me by their actions what is important.
I had a really hard day today. I had a lot of rage. I have been trying to write a poem about it.. It was so bad that my nose started bleeding earlier.. Luckily my brother has finally let the accountants reimburse me for some bills.. The promised allowance continues to fail to materialize and the email he copied to me said other bills will only be honored if he approves them. This is where I am at 59 years of age, having ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY OVER MONEY MY MOTHER LEFT ME..I am just praying the issue with Scott gets sorted soon so at least I get that money back and then I will not have to beg, cajole or use any means to try and get access to what SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE MINE.. It really hurts but I have no power but the one to adapt myself to the reality of how this is and its a long line of history of emotional absence, illness and accident and trying to cope alone with no real foundation in my life that it puts a huge and painful punctuation mark behind!..Our family broke apart with Judith’s haemorrhage in 1980 and it never recovered.. Those dark years are gone.. I just am not out of the darkness still.. its been very strong for me and murky over past days.. this is par for the course with Mars in Cancer.. I am not really expecting things to get more unstuck until it moves out of water and into fire.. Inside me I burn up at times.. no one sees but my dog.. I struggle on and today just spent hours trying to get my garden and house sorted..
There was luckily a lovely bright spot last night.. Seeing the performance at the theater with my childhood friends. I am so grateful to my lovely friend who organised that and paid for the tickets.. but today in therapy I thought of how my own love of singing and dancing got curtailed in my family.. This kind of thing was frowned on as over-dramatic.. Seeing Ester Hannaford being able to let herself move across that stage last night with such unbridled enthusiasm was so so refreshing and woke something up in me.. It made me realize the joy I had and loved to express before that part of me effectively got killed off..
I was crying and screaming about it in therapy this morning. I have just lost so many years.. and I know this pinned in energy was something the frustrated my last two partners.. Something in me got blocked growing up and lately I feel myself struggling my hardest to spit out the blockage or bust through it. Crying over how killed off other members of may family have become is also not good for me as a valued follower just pointed out in a comment on an earlier post.. Yes, to a degree I am still enmeshed.. but maybe this is changing.. it just doesn’t feel like it lately.. but maybe this is just another difficult phase in my journey on the way to breaking free of our family multi-generational curse. And just because I learned certain reactions and patterns does not mean they cannot change.. I just need to allow myself the freedom to seek the joy and let go of those situations and circumstances far too painful to stay enmeshed in any more.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I relate so much to your first paragraph. It’s a very painful realization.
I find the rage can be helpful when turned internal to remove the enmeshed others presence from the mind. I don’t think of it as unloving, I think of it as me getting my own mind back. In a way I see me seeing others more clearly as I do this, because then they are just who they are not also somehow tied into my internal word, able to control me from within. Also it frees me from thinking I’m responsible for their actions or emotions. I still love those I’m trying to untangle from. I will try to help them, and be kind to them, but I try not to focus on the “fruits” of my labor with them. Because at the end of the day all I can control is being loving towards them not what my love brings about. Still it’s a struggle, the hurt is still there, the memories, and anger, and hope that somehow if I do something a certain way things will change.
I think you are on the right path. Even though it is so hard. 🌷
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You are so right about the anger being a force of separation and clarifying your (our) own mind, being and feelings. I think its okay to not even feel loving for a time because in my experience the love can and may return further down the path…Great insights. Thank you 💙❤💙
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It’s so interesting what you’ve shared about feeling it’s okay to not even feel loving for a time. It is an idea someone else on this journey has shared with me. I tend to resist the idea, but where there is resistance there often is a message that we aren’t yet ready for but one day will arise. Thank you for sharing that with me. I do believe that’s a part of the path I haven’t yet come to terms with.
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