An ocean of loneliness

The depths of feeling all alone and forsaken are profound right now. Seeing my sister as she is and the way other family seem to blind and deaf and numb in some way is shattering me and my absence of embodied caring friendships is glaring right now. I cried leaving therapy earlier as Kat has a funeral.on Thursday so that session is being shifted I really need her right now she constantly gets how I feel and affirms is all understandable how I am reacting.

Had fits of rage as I read out Scott’s latest texts about how God created man first and its wrong to question that teaching according to the Bible I don’t need this fucking bullshit when so much real is going on here right now. My loneliness and emotional hunger mean I gave him everything resources wise and yet much as I regret the last help part of me knows I had to go down that road and parts of me so needed someone after Mum died and no one much was reaching out. There is so much I could not see but I’m disappointed in myself for letting it all happen and a lot of guilt came out about it in therapy today.

Suicidal feelings were back today in the therapy room and swirling eddies of ancestral pain that won’t even get a look in by modern ‘psychiatry. I feel them in my body but today it was the love of those departed pulling me ‘home’ I felt more. This earthly realm at times seems a void of such spiritual and emotional absence surrounded by sleepwalkers I feel alone but that too is just possibly my projection.

I awoke at 5am in a profound mess in my body there was no cohesion. I had severe heart pain last night after dinner. I felt close to a heart attack or pulmonary arrest and I’d been watching this new ABC show Wakefield set in a psychiatric facility that deals with the complex emotional and psychological weaving of personal trauma threads between patients doctors and nurses. More connection and empathy is shown by one of the male nurses towards patients than anything I’ve ever seen in my sister’s hospital and this man had trauma too..its what helps him be able to connect to a profoundly suicidal patient who mother is completely fed up with her. The program addresses both anger and grief in a profound way..but it triggered so much grief over both sisters.

I know the suicidal feelings will pass. My sisters condition just triggers so much grief and helplessness in me but at least thus time I am feeling all.of that in my heart not just intellectualising about it…and I feel.love even for the ones who so.often never seem to see me. Kat constantly reminds me how painful it is for a child or adult not to be seen, understood or offered the right help. In short misattunement can kill it sets up such hunger and desperation in all kinds of ways. Feels a lot like drowning sometimes.