I see the truth with blinding clarity on some days, we all live in different realities and often our reality is influenced by subjectivity, and an inner frame of reference. it was something that Stephanie Kaza addressed in that interview that I shared via podcast yesterday, how science likes to see itself as ‘objective’ but never the less research always ends up being tainted or skewed by a certain perspective.
I was thinking about this a lot last night after reading some posts from a new follower who has recently made an attempt on their life, in the posts they shared about how they were being spoken to by the psychiatrist and other mental health ‘professionals’ in the facility where they are. From what they wrote and the questions being asked it was pretty apparent to me that no one ‘got’ why the person may have felt desperate enough to want to take their own life..the ‘professionals’ seemed to be totally unable to enter that person’s reality.. That called to mind something my first therapist often mentioned to me in those dark years when I ended up in almost complete isolation and was being accused of being ‘agrophobic’ by my then boyfriend, that the capacity to be able to wonder about another’s different reality can serve us very very well in relationships or other wise make such kind of relating almost impossible and often hellish!
In a comment I left on the blog I mentioned the sense of being homesick for a place that is not like this earth and after reading an earlier post they had written on Autism and thinking about it a lot more today I was thinking of two other concepts popular in some spiritual circles, that of Indigo Children or Lightbearers/Lightworkers.. It seemed to me this person was of above average intelligence, very perceptive and I thought then of the son of one of my loved followers also known to be ‘on the spectrum’ (in this case with Aspergers). who also does not seem to be catered for in any exisiting ‘system.’ I was also thinking of someone who took me to task over writing that poem about being stuck in grief which I took down and then mentioned how both our world views seemed to differ.
I also had a call from my brother earlier and that made me question a lot of the harsh judgements I have made about him at times. There is no way he is trying to actively block my inheritance its simply been a case of him being too busy and distracted.. I actually asked him about the projects he is working on and my God is he overloaded, besides trying to help my sister’s oldest son with a house design, he is having wrangles with the heritage commission in Brisbane and also trying to work on attaining a block of land in Melbourne for development at the moment.. By asking a lot of questions I was able to enter his reality and even have a warm feeling for him, that said half an hour later on my way to the shopping center to get some lunch and groceries a part of me was feeling so fearful about all of this high rise development that is going on… As a nature lover it just scared me to see blocks of land once given over to green space being turning into buildings of towering glass and concrete…
Anyway I felt love for my brother after the chat.. He just gets so distracted and Kat always reminds me that that just triggers my own abandonment wound over the emotional unavailability of both my parents.. It also triggers sadness that Dad died before we could get to develop an adult relationship and that he was so hard on me after all of the trauma that went down. But the past is the past..I am sure none of it was done with malintent and that it why it can feel better to at least try and enter the other person’s shoes when we get involved in any conflict rather than turn it all around into a project designed to stuff up our lives.. maybe the other person is just so wrapped up in their own lives, who we REALLY ARE does not figure much at all within their reality.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I relate a lot to what you’ve shared here. I do feel we each live in our own realities. And very rarely when you peak into someone else’s reality do you find they have evil intentions with their actions.
It’s a concept I’m still working on in trying to be more true to myself. Because I have to admit I still become enraged and disgusted when someone hurts another or fails a responsibility, even though I now see it is not out of malice but weakness. What frustrates me about that is when I feel the person isn’t “trying” to grow or do better or denies they’ve harmed or failed anyone. With time I hope that anger and judgment eases, I do feel even their lack of effort or denial comes from a place of feeling powerless or weak as opposed to cruelty. I know they could try to do better and ease the harm they are doing merely with that showing of effort, but I don’t think they are aware of that. They feel helpless and guilty and flee reality and me to numb that pain. Still I struggle to have compassion in the sting of being abandoned. And therein lies my weakness.
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You expressed here exactly why I feel angry. Maybe due to our caring nature’s or the way we are wired we feel this way. Otherwise it comes out of the real wound that our parents didn’t try harder to see us or that we just ‘fell out of their minds’ as my therapist puts it. Nevertheless it does hurt and we gain power from helping and being helped which is why a culture dominated by a cult of individualism and ‘survival of the fittest gets so lonely and difficult for some.
So I am not sure if that is a,weakness in you and I or not, still feeling angry or upset about it. My compassion for them seems to be rising at times while at others it still fills ne with anger and sadness because I am human and most of all an empath as well as a deep thinker
Sadly some never learn empathy..they see vulnerability as weakness or fear the depths of where pain sorrow loss or abandonment can take some of us. They see as weak something that actually makes us strong on a different level of being if that makes sense?
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Yes, I relate to this. I do feel my parents see stuffing their emotions down and saying everything is fine as a strength. But I do see it as a weakness and fear of discomfort. Life isn’t lived fully or as one’s true self that way.
I do feel when I try to be real they become very thrown off. Usually start arguing with me that things are actually fine as is, or become upset about how harsh I am, or telling me how I feel makes no sense or should be let go by me. It’s very difficult to have a conversation which has any depth.
In terms of why I see my anger as a weakness. I wouldn’t say I do towards the internal anger. That has helped me and still does as I learn to understand and harness it.
However when my anger is expressed externally at others I tend to find the other person retreats and feels hurt or attacks. I think anger makes people feel threatened and unsafe and in the state the sort of conversation or impact I want to have becomes impossible. They have no chance of seeing “me”. A more mature person would be able to show compassion and try to understand the hurt behind my anger, reach out with love, but not everyone is mature. With some people I have to be the one to reach out with compassion, to reach out as the person I was before all this conditioning. A large part of the work of love falls on my shoulders, and that does hurt and feel backwards, but I tell myself I was born to love not be loved. In my heart of hearts I do truly believe that is the case. I feel my heart somehow knows and remembers the unconditional and everlasting love of God, and that’s all I need, I was born to be a nourisher of that love He shows me not seeking His love. At least this is where my mind is right now. I’m very much in the process of trying to sort this all out. ❤️
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You expressed this so eloquently. It took me a long time to realise my family felt threatened by my legitimate feelings as they had had to work so hard to bury theirs..
I get exactly what you mean about anger backfiring on us if we cannot get it under control, as we both know that is a process and yes to learning to be loving the entire path in AA is based on that and that prayer make me a channel of your peace.. where there is hatred let me sow love..
Profound comment as always.. you reallly are growing and express things so well. Thanks for always adding new shades of meaning to my own reflections.. is a precious gift.. one I really value so much.
Thank you ❤
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❤️
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