A ball of anger and frustration

Felt like I was losing it a bit this morning not in a good temper at all…frustrated with my brother, Scott, all the men holding power over resources I have a right to and at myself for getting myself into such a pickle. I was banging things around at home in frustration..poor Jasper.

Oh well I got myself down to the lake in beautiful sunlight and the moment I logged onto WordPress my spirits lifted. Here I touch base with people who mean a lot to me and I remember all if this going on with me is just life, lots of people probably going through even worse trials but I often wonder why life gets set up to be so challenging. Possibly THAT IS LIFE, it is always messy, with things we can’t change or control and end up having to adapt ourselves around.

For me it’s essential to get out of my head and into some grounded physical activity. To be honest I was so low yesterday about everything I cried while sweeping up all of the autumn leaves my eyes and nose were just running with tears and grief and feelings of helplessness over the last mixed up 30 years and especially the events since 2001. Mars is in Cancer right now and I think the Moon was in Scorpio yesterday soo soo much water I was shedding.

The family that actually cared about me are all dead now. I watched a movie with Josh Hartnett last night and found myself crying then too, he looks a little like my oldest nephew the one who slammed me with all this vitriol when he found out about Scott..it was so so painful as I loved him alot and was trying to speak up for those sons of my older sister who died who got so little when Mum passed away. I am sure since I was the only available target he dumped all his anger on me. I am not angry now, I understand it, but it hurt. He told me I am bad for his mental health so wants no more contact in 2019 .his brothers were upset by it but this issue with Scott has made my life so dammed hard and I did it all out of a good heart. Oh well the fact is LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND DIFFICULT THINGS HAPPEN. Somehow we have to find a way through it all.

All I can say is thank God for nature because nature is always there. It costs us nothing.. it gives us life…so many things for free…fresh air, soft green spaces, the soothing cool of water, the endless inspiration of starry skies, blue skies, panoramic vistas. No matter how tough of a day I have and how spun out my mood gets if I can just get out into nature and pray I feel better immediately. I can, at least for a little while, put all of these painful feelings and frustrations to one side. I also pray for the ones I love even if they hate me. I don’t know what happens to the love. It’s hard to love some of my family to be honest..spent so many years trying but lately I just can’t feel anything but disappointment, sorrow, emptiness and hurt. And still for peace of mind I’ve just got to let it go and look for the love somewhere more nourishing. I don’t want it making me sick.