So sad

I’m feeling so sad for myself today.. I get scared of people thinking its self pity but no one can fully understand how much I have had to fight.. I fought for those 15 years following the last head injury to fall asleep, to wake up, to get my body moving, to digest food. Along the way I got in trouble for outbursts, got a dose of breast cancer after trying to support my sister through hers.. Luckily at that time some old friends from school gave me support as well as some people from the dog park because my family were not there for me at all.. My sister went away and Mum despite making it to the hospital for my sister immediately took few days to come to see me..

I am not going to blame them. I try to be strong each day but this latest thing with Scott and my family has made me both angry and sad.. Yesterday in therapy my head was burning about the control I am now under and am powerless over.. As Kat reminds me one burst of emotion with my brother puts me in the ‘loose cannon’, ’emotionally unstable’ basket.. He just does not either seem to be able to see I may need him as a little sister.. But as Kat also said to me yesterday I really do not know what goes on inside his head, he lacks an ability to relate on much anything but work and money.. He never really showed interest in my life, so when we talked I always tried to find out how he was and show an interest in his life.. Anyway this sounds like a complaining post and I do not want it to be that.

I just felt sad this morning but it was a surrendered sadness. .Maybe this is the letting go of the hope that it will be possible to prevent Scott from going on that next deployment.. With the amount of instability and chaos they are facing over there right now I think its unlikely they will move he and his colleagues out any time soon anyway.. President Deby was a huge support for the fight against Boko Haram and now he is gone and there is a humanitarian crisis happening over there with millions displaced due to the ongoing rampages of terror which have been escalating since 2009. I need to count my blessings that I live in a place so free from that kind of violence.

Its also sad to me that for a man for whom sacrificing a small amount of money to help would not even make a ripple in our funds he will not do it.. i just have to remember though he honestly feels he is protecting me and our inheritance.. so its something I have no power to change..On the other hand part of me thinks it is not our responsibility to help but even thinking that way now does not sit well with me at all.

Today during my morning bath I asked to be filled with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and for God’s help to surrender what will only hurt me more if I hang on to it.. I slept till 5.30 am and fell back to sleep about 7 for another hour. The days are shortening here as we move towards the Winter Solstice on 21 June.. We also had a quadruple conjunction of planets this week.. The Sun, Mercury and Venus are all meeting Uranus in Taurus.. this is a time to spend quietly as much as I can in nature… nature offers me soothing but its distressing to me to see the amount of homes being knocked down in our suburb and around our town that were lovely old places and the massive monstrosities being built on blocks of land leaving less than 5 percent for any kind of garden.. I get so angry about it that in a this current climate of global warming people don’t get we need more nature and trees and less concrete, brick and steel. But I cannot even focus on that right now it wont do me any good…if there is a chance in the future to get involved in some activism or be vocal around the issue I will. All I can do is try to have a voice…even if no one is really listening or willing to hear.