Friends with death

Each of us differ in the age we are when we first have to deal with the concept of death.. For some of us the death may not be a person literally dying, but rather they leave us or there is a kind of emotional or physical cut off.. This was the case for me when my sister left at age 3.. I do not now consciously remember missing her in those earlier years but I do remember longing to go and live with her and her family when my parents got older and seemed to not want to support me in anything I wanted or needed.

This issue of needs came up yesterday reading those chapters in Mary Hoang’s book Darkness Is Golden I found myself crying thinking of how much I needed and had to bury and how little of a voice I had in the end to ask for or protest about anything at all.. In fact protest was punished in our family, we were either hit or put into isolation and maybe that is why when I think of aboriginal deaths in custody (often they are beaten by violent police who hate them before they dump them in a cell and leave them alone to die) I get SO GODDAM TRIGGERED.

To be made to feel like you are ‘mad’ (ie. crazy as opposed to justifiably angry) for protesting is to be cut off.. If you swallow that down what happens to need, desire and your voice? To your thyroid, heart and immune system?. My sister is having ongoing problems with her mouth.. She told me the other day she feels like she has been hit in the face what really happened is that she had a fall a few years ago when the doctor had spun her system out so badly with meds she did not need that she dropped and hit her head on the kitchen bench, this was after we had a bit of an incident in which I tried to confront my mother about some boundary violation and (as usual) my sister ended up siding with her.. Breast cancer also followed for both of us and my left breast is actually burning typing this.

Death entered the picture for me at the age of one.. It was Poppa, my Mum’s Mum’s second husband who died then and all of the family who were far older ended up grieving this.. the subject was bought up in an astrology seminar I attended with Liz Greene back in 2001 when I embarked upon the Diploma of Psychological Astrology back in London before having a spin out and deciding to come home that year. In the lecture she asked me, “Who died when you were very young?” I told her and she explained how a sensitive child (any child really but particularly a sensitive emotional one) would absorb this and how the experience of that archetypal energy would be around us as a constant theme often throughout our lives..

Following this death of my Poppa, my Mum had a hysterectomy and fell into a depression and had spurts of violent anger and I actually recall dreaming of her turning into a wicked witch at around the age of 5 or 6… no wonder I came to be an anxious avoidant child who preferred playing alone and would fend off connection, and this was not the way I started out at all.

Death is also on my mind today as I think of how Scott could be facing the prospect of it when he goes on deployment to Iraq. I read the stats and apparently the US Military recorded 11 deaths of soldiers on deployment there last year.. It often comes up in conversations we have..

My father’s death tinged my early 20s but there were scars there anyway due to his emotional absence in my life. Reading a post about asking this help from my brother only to be ignored in therapy today, I cried and cried to the depths of my soul.. Well I was AT LAST BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK.. and Kat said it was a very loving and kind email. I will not say my brother is dead to me if he will not help, it is his choice after all, but I am deeply sad and disappointed about his failure on several occasions to even respond when I have taken the risk to bare my soul to him and become vulnerable. However in the Bahagavad Gita it says we only have control over our own actions, not the fruit of our actions..

I see a connection between trying to bring Scott ‘home’ and the fact that my maternal Great Great Grandfather ended up leaving his home behind and never got to reunite with his father who lost his wife when my GG Granddad was only 12, the same age my Dad was when he lost his father.. This all makes sense with Saturn now squaring my natal Sun Mercury Venus Jupiter South and North Node stellium all square to natal Neptune in Scorpio.. Those ancestral oceans of sadness run so deep in me.. and I cannot expect an emotionally and multi-generationally ignorant world to understand the deeper resonances.. I just have to keep carrying this stuff… and surrendering it all to God/Goddess as I allow myself to open to the terrible pain of feeling so over controlled by someone who finds it hard to relate from his heart.

This is most essential indeed as Venus in Aries s moves closer and closer into exact square with transiting Pluto at 26 degrees of Capricorn. I am no stranger at all to death, loss, disappointment and being met with a wall of stone as I struggle to express my Solar light and need, so many women are.. and not only women.

Why the hell is it that men get to have so much fucking power in this world over us.. !!! I just keep praying to Archangel Michael to help me, to let the anger wash through me.. he advised me earlier to get my feet on earth and just surrender it all.. What else can I do? I am powerless right now and I do not want this to derail my growing joy, optimismand happiness. Maybe I just have to accept this is what must be.. give it all over to God.