Sometimes the man made world out there seems so hard and heartless especially when external forces block us. I do experience kindness out there, smiles and people sometimes making a random gesture of kindness and at times I see how deeply my family pain and multi generational trauma twisted my world view. To see my sister now unable to free herself from the drugs and the medical model of ‘mental illness’ and paralysed in freeze inertia is so tough but I am finding these days I can be less emotionally overwhelmed by it..more prosaic.
I think of the hours and hours I’ve spent sitting with this sister, my mother and my older sister Judith as they lay ill or pinned in place..paralysed by our family illness and I do wonder at times. Being born in the 60s was still tough for us women.. In my own life I got blocked at times by masculine, unfeeling forces. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, am trying to do all I can to take my power back but God knows its not easy with so many rules, repressions and other forces blocking free forward movement and then the ongoing challenge to understand how to live in this world as a sensitive person who had neglect and does not always have strong boundaries or ease in containing my anxiety. Today I feel I just want to shut down my heart. Having given nearly every single penny I have to help someone has been tough. It sounds like a scam but my belief is it’s not its the hard tough world of someone trying to get free and there being Saturnian structures that must be honored. As an astrologer I see how it all makes sense. But at times it seems so cruel and heartless
I can’t continue to nurture this view though.. It is all just life. I have no power over money left to me that is rightfully mine and I can’t ask for any more help. I probably have enough money left to last me 5 more weeks.
Anyway despite all of this stress (which came from an old pattern of me getting entangled in someone else’s drama and struggle) I am in a good place. Apart from.the money worries I am grateful on so many levels and I stay close to nature most days. I an sitting by that lovely little park near Nana’s today..the sun is shining and there are gorgeous old trees all around me. I keep remembering the Bible passage where we are told not to worry as God makes sure nature is fed and all of his living creature are provided for. In human life we create so many other artificial ‘needs’ but most of them aren’t essential. For me what is most essential comes for free..air, friendship, empathy, sunshine love, music, Jasper, clean water for a bath, nature. The soul food. Each day I find a way to stay close to my soul and to faith…to look for the good and foster a spirit of trust, love, faith and hope..
God knows its not easy but it all does come down to focus and choice…and having the willingness to let go of those frustrating things, situations and people that lie so very far outside of our control..I am expecting major lessons with this in relationships as Venus begins to square Pluto over the coming weeks.
Emerging From The Dark Night 