Helpless

Visiting my sister at the hospital often leaves me feeling so helpless. I have seen her struggling to live and rise for so long now it breaks my heart to see her feeling shrunken inside herself. I sat crying towards the end of the 2 hour visit…I just feel her disappearing at the moment..I try to encourage her, I try to tell her she has hope but she just sits staring at her hands and asking what will happen to her. It’s hopeless to say it’s up to her but it is. She is the only one who can exercise power over her choices but if she truly believes she lacks that power what can anyone else do?

She gets invalidated at times by family and friends. I try to affirm that but I also wonder if putting her focus on what she is wearing and her hair will help her feel beautiful inside. That said if in the past she bought herself something colorful or bright like a lovely bomber jacket she tells me she bought it ‘on a high’ which does not make sense to me..

All I can say is I was glad i got the courage to visit today. I listened to a Joyce Meyer sermon all the way over there on keeping close to the word of God and of love that builds up rather than tears down.. I took with her one of my prayer cards that I bought yesterday in a frame which said You are worth more than rubies… I wish it had said You are more precious than rubies.. For is not every single human being? She walked me all of the way out and stood looking at me with pleading eyes.. I just feel she is abandoned in that place at the mercy of psychiatrists and neurologists but maybe it is good for her to have a MRI, she has so many difficulties with her jaw due to the drugs and two separate rounds of shock treatment.. I tried to speak to her about swallowed words and swallowed power.. I am not sure if she got it.. At times I just sat there crying..

Please pray for my sister. I do now know what else to do right now.. she said she asked her son to tell me she was going into hospital but he didn’t call. I don’t know why but its okay… I drove home just feeling so grateful for how well I am now, but I just know deep in my heart my sister’s health is not in my hands.. All I can do is stand by her and love her.. as much as what is happening inside of her brings me inwardly to my knees.