Lessons in trauma and boundaries

Sometimes people come to us feeling they know best.. It has just happened to a friend of mine, someone has taken offence to the way they communicate and told them what they need to do to ‘get right’. None of us really like this kind of thing and if we have a lifetime of being overpowered by the stronger wills of others, it can be a huge trigger. My friend was able to set a boundary but I was thinking this person did not get the lesson of true presence which enables us to hold tenderly the wounded heart of another human being and respect them enough to allow them to find their own answers or just choose their own form of expression, validating that if that is intense it is a reflection of what they endured.. .

Those of us who had very dark traumatic experiences, especially of being pinned down, repeatedly hurt, and were unable to run, escape or get anyone to see suffer often suffer in a very intense way that may seem extreme to others they may have very strong trigger points and reactions.. (there is a name for this : Reactive Affective Disorder).. If that person tries to find expression for some of the hurt and pain through imaginative forms I think that is a good channel.. Yes, there are times when inner ‘ demons; may turn violent but it was not the case in this situation.. There are times inner protector/defenses may also seem extreme. Some protectors can cut us off from love if the wounds are deep. This is something trauma therapist Donald Kalsched has addressed in his book The Inner World of Trauma.

Some may want to demonize others who have had trauma or be triggered by the intensity of their expression but is it their right to say what that person ‘should’ or ‘should not do’ to deal with it or try and judge or demonize them? I don’t get a lot of unsolicited advice on my blog and when I do I try to be tactful or let it go through to the keeper. I had one bad skirmish two or so years back where another blogger tried to paint me as passive aggressive and turned some of her followers against me and they started accusing me of things I had not done and the person denied nasty things she said and later asked for proof which I could not give as I ended up deleting the upsetting emails when she sent them many months before. Luckily most people on WordPress show respect. But I have known lovely bloggers feel they need to shut down their blog when on the receiving end of this kind of advice gone wrong from someone who doesnt really seem to have any level of deep empathy for what the person is valiantly trying to deal with.

Beware anyone who is trying to paint others as the ‘villian’ that is my advice.. Some people set others up by a bait and switch tactic where they trigger them to be (justifiably angry) then demonise the person for an understandable (at least to the empathic) response… Narcissists are notorious for this tactic as the repressed rage and contempt they feel for those they feel justified in ‘looking down on’ is often displaced onto innocent and often ‘naive’ targets if the emotional neglect/abuse theme is huge in their lives. To subject an already traumatised person to this kind of thing can be very dangerous.

I am just glad my friend knows how to fight back.. Even if others do carry wounds can we at least try to have some kind of empathy for the level of charge their significant trauma makes them carry? This does not mean excusing inexcusable behavior but recognising some wounds go deep. Let’s just allow each other our process as long as that process is not hurting anyone else.