Back in hospital again

Her family never contact me to let me know but a family friend phoned to say my sister was put back into hospital again for her depression yesterday. I have seen the cycle go round and round and round for about 13 years now.. I have seen her never get to the root of anything only using meds and it was really interesting to read what Louise Hay writes about depression in her book The Power Is Within You, that often it relates to repressed anger and assertive life energy. I have seen this with my sister, when her husband was emotionally abusive Mum said she learned to ‘hold her tongue’ this also relates to her being a third child and not having much of a voice in our family she was the one who made it easier for my brother not being able practice the piano if he had to sleep after long nights at the family restaurant, she had to brush him down (though maybe not shine his shoes as Dad taught as all at a young age to do that with military precision) before he went out. And when praying about it God revealed to me how hard it was for her when I was born.. my sister was dark haired and serious I had long golden hair as a child and loved to sing and dance and I would fight for what I wanted.. It hurt me so deeply after Jonathan and I broke up and she made my mother choose her ‘favorite’ to be told “you were such a naughty child!!” Today doing mirror work on self love I heard a voice you are so so naughty and so so bad.. Louise Hay says this kind of work will often bring up submerged conditioned internalised voices.. Today I had a panic attack following that though yesterdays chiropractic sat well with me and I slept deeply from 11 to 3 and 4 until 7.30.

For my sister this time I will be stepping back. I go through a lot of guilt thinking maybe it was something I did that time at the coast when she asked Mum to choose, but I also have compassion for the fact that when she accused me of envy and told my older sister’s children and her own at drinks following Mum’s 90th birthday I did not go to due to being sober that, it was really narcissistic projection.. I am not saying my sister is a narcissist as I do not like to label people and we are all on the spectrum but to malign me behind my back like that was not good and her sons keep me at arm’s length, they seem to have not much deeper psychological insight into her condition and venerate the psychiatrists.. Sorry but my faith in the medical model to help my sister is now shot.. I have seen too much how it has failed her.

Today in the bath, I sent her love, I prayed for her happiness and peace but last night I also handed her over to God. Maybe there is a time to fight for my sister, I just do not know for now I have to ask God what to do as it all feels beyond me.. but I cannot keep doing all of the racing back and forward to see her I did before.. I will see her from time to time but I need to keep my balance.. this makes me cry so much.. I wish my sister could be free but maybe this is her path, its not up to me and I dont want my ego getting in the way anymore, God knows we have both had a tough time growing up as we did and being seen as less than by our brother at times.. he got to have all of the power, but for me I just do not want mine to keep being stolen and getting feelings and anger our instead of bottling them, to me seems to be really the only way to freedom from depression. The only way to claim back our spirits from lock down and emotional and spiritual hostage.