narcissists (cannot) and do not see us and some thoughts on inner and angelic connection.

Growing up in a family of self involved people is not easy.. having parents who cannot respond to your needs sucks, as a child of emotional neglect I learned a few years ago the tendency will be to blame ourselves, our parents or siblings may have blamed us because how we felt and what we needed REALLY DID NOT MATTER TO THEM MUCH. So we come to have a very mixed up relationship to our own needs and as a result may end up having trouble with boundaries..

I have heard the concept of having boundaries is like having a door with a handle on the inside, we can choose who to open the door to and who to keep it shut on. A lack of boundaries due to emotional neglect and being unseen is like having a door with a handle on the outside, anyone who wants to can open the door and overpower us.. I have been having these memories of being baby and being pulled on or overpowered all the time by my older family, they are deep body memories and I get them on waking.. My Mum used to tell me as a baby my siblings pushed her out of the way to get to me.. A friend once said to me of her younger sister who tried to commit suicide around the age of 20 that as a cute baby (the youngest) everyone wanted to be around her, at least until she got older..Then there can be the deep emptiness that opens up as it all changes. Maybe it is just something younger kids go through, I am not entirely certain.

Learning what my own needs are and that it is possible to say No are very new things for me.. As an empath I feel the pain of others, I always thought that was a sign I was to ‘help’ but now I see it was not, there is a time to help but a time to step back, there is a time to recognise that people need to go through things and find ways to face them and rise or transform. One of the things I think did me no favors was that at times my Mum tried to protect me too much.. There are times I think she should have allowed me to muddle through and develop a sense of competency. And when my father died maybe it became harder as she needed me and my other sister more.. I felt guilt when my ex husband and I moved overseas.. I felt responsible when Mum fell and broke her wrist in 2001 after my older sister with the brain injury got sent to a home and then taken out and beaten up and left for dead by an old partner.. These were things that impinged upon me and made me feel I had to choose to be there… And yes in one way it was a good thing, but in many ways it also made me suffer. Still as I read this back and edit it I recognize in our family where family did get so torn apart, I was trying to turn back an old pattern by returning from the UK where my ancestors originally lived.

These days I am trying my best to know what my needs are.. I am finding ways to help and spread light and love but not derail my own needs.. I am trying to adapt to what is and leave this sense of pain over unmet needs behind to start a new chapter.. I listened to a couple of sermons by Joyce Meyer last night and in one she was saying it is never too late to start again.. Many of us go through so much trauma and loss, some of us give and when we need there is not always someone there to turn to… and yet we need to keep reaching out and finding a way to live and love with joy, trust, open heartedness and joy..

These days I also try my best to connect with myself and to know that a loving power always walks beside me.. I have been reading some of the final chapters in Lorna Byrne’s book Angel In My Hair and in it she tells of how Archangel Micheal would often visit her and he told her at one ‘sitting’ that no one much calls on the angels these days, which is sad because they are always there and always willing to help us. For me it pays to remember when things get dark or uncertain or I feel overwhelmed by the needs of others that its safe to help and I wont be obliterated in the process.. I am also asking for help from transpersonal sources when big emotions come up.. It seems to be helping. Alone I can cope but its far lovelier to feel connected to something greater.. That is what opening my heart and soul in prayer and meditation gives to me.. Also reading of other’s experience with the angelic realms reminds me there is much more to this life than what is just visible to the eye, there is an eye in the heart that sees more and knows more on an intuitive level, tapping into that receptive space seems to be very very important work.